The 360

Lesson learned. Never ever open your mouth again. Use your words carefully and never bring up the past. Ever. I don't know why I said those things. Damn. And now, I can't even sleep. Oh well. Hello to another week of dark circles and baggy eyes, looking like a friggin' Panda with chinky eye slits [must be from all the crying]. I'm pretty sure I'll be having nightmares again about this. Every single bloody night. Fuck. This is what I hate. Messy breakups and the messier in-between. Where's that stupid bloody filter when you need it? Shit. I literally feel like slapping myself to reality now. Look at what you've done. You've singlehandedly managed to practically ruin every thing you've been trying to rebuild for the past month and successfully drove him farther away than necessary. 

What the fuck is wrong with you? Why can't you be normal for once and let sleeping dogs lie? Why continue to pry open Pandora's box? Why? Do you get a kick with hurting yourself? Is that it? Seriously Melissa, get a grip and stop this madness. You know you deserve better. You know you deserve every last bit of happiness there is. You know this deep down, I know you do. So stop crying over spilled milk. Get to your feet and mop it up. Funny, I quoted him on this one .

Right. Move on, full speed ahead. You need to listen to your friends. They are right. As a fellow plurker put it, life is like riding a bicycle. You have to keep moving forward in order to keep your balance - Albert Einstein. I know. Move forward. Right. Listen to words of wisdom flowing through that train of thought. I know you're fully capable of doing that. You're a smart, capable, strong-willed woman. You know what you want and more importantly, are aware of what you need. Learn from this harrowing experience and use it to the fullest. I believe in you, in us. We can do this together. It may sound weird, but that's my brain and heart talking. LOL. I may have seriously lost it. Hello Psych Ward. LOL. 

Boy Crazy

I like you. I dote on you so much I seem to make a lot of compromises lately. I should not probably abuse the word since we both know there is so much more to it than us having a mutual fondness of each other. It's not healthy I know but I can't stop it. I obsess a lot when I have thoughts of you. I revel in knowing that not only do I get to see you every single day, I get to talk to you 'til the wee hours of the morning. I indulge in the fact that you hardly can keep your eyes, hands [when we're alone] and thoughts off me. I relish every moment we've been together so far. I don't know why but there's something about you that I've grown to delight in. Maybe it's your greenish hazel eyes [you win] that win me over, or the infectious way you laugh about things that almost always seem to get me more caught up in you. 

You make me want to do a lot of things. Things I would otherwise do in the current situation I'm in. You make me want to start believing again. You make me want to trust you. You make me want to kiss you. You make me want to be with you. You make me want to date you. You make me want you. OMG. I sound like that Usher song. LOL. And this is where I should stop. I've given you every reason and every ammo to make me want to like you. Heck I'm giving you every reason right now to pressure me into a lot of things I know I still won't be ready for. This is why I should stop.

Filipino vs. non-Filipino

I kind of get why Mum and Dad are totally against the idea of me dating non-Filipino men not only because of the huge culture clash [and no, that doesn't mean they're racially biased okay, Grammar-Nazi Eric and Amit?] but also because they're fully aware that it's a whole other different ball game here in Canada. They know that guys might [and will] take advantage of my naivete and innocence [?]. LOL.

I guess the apprehension mostly stems from the fact that both of my parents still see me as their little girl who needs a lot of protection, which is kind of sweet in a sense but their overbearing demeanor on the subject puts a damper on things. I love my parents though they may sometimes drive me mental with their stupid house rules. And I do appreciate the fact that at the ripe age of 22, they still feel the need to cushion me from every thing and every one else.

So that's that. Now, I shall attempt to discuss the difference between Filipino men and non-Filipino men with regards to dating. I've come across numerous articles in the Web pertaining to the subject and found that most tend to dwell on racist issues. There's this one article that I found very helpful. Here is an excerpt of that article.

I once dated a Filipino guy named Leonard and it was great. We dated for 3 1/2 years. He was sweet, romantic, considerate, and he really knew how to take care of me. Most importantly, my parents adored him. We met through our parents obviously. He was the ideal man, the kind every Filipino parent dreamed about. So why didn't things work out between us? Besides personal differences, our relationship was too perfect. It all came too easily for me, almost predictable. I know. I have a tendency to fuck things up but what's love without a little heat and passion? But that's an entirely different story. If I continued to stay with Leonard I knew where our relationship would go, how we would end up, and I was too young to find out. Two years from, we would have gotten married and had a very traditional Filipino wedding. We would have lived with my parents until we were financially settled and eventually have five kids named Boy, Baby, Ligaya, Roberto and Don Don. Then we would live the rest of our lives in routine, coming home from our lousy jobs to feed the kids. At the end of our day we would go to separate spaces while I watched my soap operas on YouTube. My husband would watch his karate DVDs and we would have no sex. From what I witness that's how most Filipino couples ended up. If that's what was in store for me, I didn't want to be part of that relationship.

But after dating Leonard, I never realized how simple it was to be with a Filipino man. I found that dating Asian or Filipino men were easier. What I meant by easier was that there's less to work with. Asian men are familiar with the unspoken rules of our culture. You don't have to remind them to take their shoes off when they walk into somebody's home. They'll immediately greet my parents and relatives when I take them to family gatherings. They know to call my parent "Tita" and "Tito" rather than their last names because it's more respectful...

Asian men are similar to trained puppy dogs. They're cute and obedient. Everybody loves them. Who wouldn't love a guy who already knows all the rules without having to remind them what they are? It's one less thing you have to worry about and it makes life so much easier, but highly predictable and more or less boring.

I totally agree especially with the part about taking the shoes off when you enter the house. It's a huge part of our culture, a golden rule per se when you are welcomed into any Asian home. Just the way it is. However, they can get pretty predictable and very territorial [well, most of the guys I've dated] to some degree. And that is where the argument is presented. Asian men tend to adhere to a state of constancy; they like doing things in a customary way. 

Non-Asian men however are different. How did I come about this conclusion, you ask? The premise is that non-Asian men, non-Filipino to be exact tend to be more aggressive and forthright about every thing. They most usually say whatever they want without a care in the world what people would think. They're brash, dangerous and fun. A hell of a lot fun to be with, if you ask me. I must admit though that I have yet to comprehend the psyche of non-Asian men. And for this purpose, issues about interracial dating [stereotypes] come up.

Interracial dating is a difficult subject to broach to my parents especially my dad who is quite figuratively born yesterday and has only one viewpoint on the matter: his. Mum is much more lenient on this issue but nevertheless shares Dad's trepidation about the whole thing. Both simply dread the day I bring home a non-Filipino dude. I'm pretty sure they'll disown me; Dad would. LOL. I remember one time Mum got all hysterical and called me on my more-than-the-usual-going-out habits and told me to take necessary precautions [?] whenever out with people [and by people, she meant non-Filipinos] inciting my distant cousins as examples of what to avoid. I love my Mum but she can sometimes get at par with Dad for being hands down ridiculous. LOL.

The contention of this comparison to begin with is not only to address the cultural differences present in every facet of society, especially in a diversified dating community such as that in Toronto, but to also try to elucidate further my parents' standpoint on the matter at hand. This post does not seek to make racist judgements, nor does it seek to confine one's assumption on the matter. This is merely my take on interracial dating and what it means to my family.

Crybaby

A fellow Plurker inspired this post. Essentially, it's a list on the saddest tearjerkers in Cinema history. Some of these movies I've seen myself, others I've been wanting to see for quite some time now. There's just something about watching sad movies. You experience the gravity of loss of the characters, the varying depths of desolation and that overwhelming feeling of grief and despair entangled within the various plots in the story. Most people would agree that such an experience is enlightening. Makes one truly appreciative of what one has. Then again watching people suffer, even through film, is an intense ordeal for me. Yes, I consider myself a crybaby in that, I almost always cry at the end of a movie. I remember weeping buckets over The Pianist, The Notebook and Schindler's List. City of Angels always get me sniffing like crazy, it doesn't help either with that Sarah McLachlan song playing in the background. I'm a sucker for these movies.

1. Saving Private Ryan
   
2. My Girl (with Macaulay Culkin)
   
3. Ghost
   
4. A Walk To Remember
   
5. Patch Adams (endearing plot)
   
6. House of Flying Daggers (preferably with subtitles)
   
7. Dead Poet's Society
   
8. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (also with subtitles)
   
9. Message In A Bottle (wanting to read this Nick Sparks novel for a long time)
   
10. Stepmom (dying of Cancer is always sad)
    
11. Gladiator
    
12. The English Patient
    
13. Meet Joe Black (Brad Pitt, go figure)
    
14. Life As A House (love, love, love this movie)
    
15. I Am Sam (Sean Penn gave a stellar performance here)
    
16. Radio
    
17. Crash (seen it twice, never understood though)
    
18. Simon Birch (watched it at school, cried like crazy)
    
19. Forrest Gump
    
20. Awakenings (one of Robert De Niro's finest films)
    
21. Boys Don't Cry (I loved Hilary Swank in this movie)
    
22. Cast Away
    
23. Bi-Centennial Man
    
24. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (intrigued about the plot)
    
25. Free Willy (oh c'mon, don't tell me this didn't make you sob a little when you were a kid?)
    
26. The Way We Were (a Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford classic)
    

So Retarded

Just when things are starting to take flight in my life, another shocking revelation comes into the picture and fucks every bloody thing up. Things just can't stay normal for me anymore, can it? After that exciting revelation at Plurk [about Psycho Bitch One, apparently there are 2 now], another Psycho Person comes into the picture! Why can't they just leave me alone? Why can't they just fucking respect my privacy? This is my world, my space and I have every fucking right to express how I feel.

I did not need to know any of that. I'm already happy with my life, minding my own business and do not need to trouble myself with other people's affairs. Why do all of you still involve me? Isn't it enough for you guys to know that I am literally on the other side of the planet and whatever I say or do is never going to matter because of the 12-hour time zone difference? So he's fucking this girl now, the fuck do I care? Why the need to inform me of these things? I do not need updates on his life. No, thank you. I have enough self respect and maturity to say this, I'm happy where I am right now. It maybe a rough road to recovery but I am managing pretty well on my own. Please, enough of this insanity. I'm happy for you. So please be happy for me as well and just leave me alone.

The Art of Kissing

A kiss is just a kiss, he said. That isn't the case now, is it? His desire to kiss me for quite some time now has definitely made things pretty interesting lately. Oddly enough, his unsuccessful attempts to kiss me reminded me so much of this particular scene from William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo: If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this. My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

Juliet: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows is this. For Saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, and palm to palnm is holy palmers' kiss.

Romeo: Have not saints lips, and holy palmers, too?

Juliet: Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

Romeo: Well, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do. They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn into despair.

Juliet: Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.

Romeo: Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take. [They kiss.] Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged.

Juliet: Then have my lips the sin that they have took?

Romeo: Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again.

Juliet: [They kiss again.] You kiss by the book.

I have no problem with him kissing me. I actually welcome and would very much love to entertain the notion. Kiss me. However, there are certain parameters to be considered before the actual kiss comes to play for me. As silly and ridiculous as I may sound to most [yes Eric, I know you'd call me on that], I actually have those set before I even contemplate such a kiss.

I have no problem with smokers. It's just the secondhand smoke and the cigarette smell that puts me off, not to mention the cigar after taste in the mouth. It's just one of the things that I would really put my foot down against. No to kissing a person who's had a smoke. It doesn't matter what time of the day or how many hours has passed since then, I am not going to allow anyone for that matter to stick their tongue down my throat. No way.

Breath mints or strips are always good. I love the minty fresh breath as well as the cool and tingly sensation I get in them. Things get pretty interesting with mint so do stock up. LOL.

A kiss should be spontanenous and effortless. It has to come out naturally, like the need for air. Plotting, planning and devising ways to kiss a person is sweet, but kissing the person outright at the moment is better. A hell of a lot better actually. Being unpredictable to a certain degree is endearing.

Grammar-Nazi Eric [ha-ha, sweet revenge!] thinks other wise. I don't know what he meant entirely. I was pretty sure he found it hilariously outrageous that I would have a kiss etiquette in place. It sounds strange I'll admit, but I have kissed so many frogs and losers out there that I can't keep count anymore.

I know there is no perfect way of kissing. Every kiss is relative towards your emotions at the time of the act. I'm fully aware that the best kisses are done intuitively. Then again, I'd rather have someone I'm attracted to attempt to kiss me the way I want to be kissed; makes it more charming and [him] irresistible that way.

Office Rant

Cross-training for inbound is very tricky. And already, the company expects us to be able to quickly adjust and take calls tomorrow. Fuck. Seriously, we had one day of training. How are they going to expect us to meet client goals with barely 8 hours of training and presume that we'd be meeting all the criteria in terms of quality and sales? We had about just a day to devour every thing from the script to product knowledge and the quality and systems module. How many pages did the stupid script consist again? So retarded. The human brain can only take so much of this crap, and we're supposed to start pitching tomorrow? Wow. The company has seriously gone mental. I loathe Capitalism.

Anyhow, training was fine. I mean, it dragged on most of the day. It didn't peak my attention at all and honestly speaking, I sort of tuned out at the last 2 hours, which would probably explain why I really have to read up on it tonight just to be sure I understood the process. I don't mean to sound rude and all, but seriously, she could've done a better job training the team for 2 days to give just enough time for us to process every thing out. They basically shoved every bloody campaign down our throats in a span of a month. Yes. We've been through what, 3 different campaigns now? Cross-trained and re-trained from outbound to inbound and now doing both, yet expect us to perform at an optimum level. Lovely.

Enough of work. Makes me want to spew some invectives, which would do nothing for me at all really. It's not like I could do anything about things. Just grin and bear it I suppose. This is official, I literally abhor this crappy job. The only thing I love about it is the fact that I get to hang around good people. They make this job bearable at least to some degree.

On a lighter note though, I can't believe how things are rapidly progressing with him and I. We've suddenly gotten very comfortable with each other that we've started talking about a lot of things in our private lives that people wouldn't normally share, let alone discuss with someone you're very attracted to.  Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the lengthy conversations we have 'til the wee hours of the morning. I like the way things are going because I am getting to know him in an intimate sense but I feel sort of a little rushed as well. I guess things have to slow down for now. I mean, I'm nowhere near that point of complete closure. There are things I still have to accept and deal with. I will get there eventually.

Elated to say, I'm getting better at handling this breakup. Not to say, I've gotten over Ex completely but Eric and Aaron [every one else in particular] are right. I deserve to be happy. I have every fucking right to be happy. In time, I will be, hopefully with the right guy, 'til then I'm living in the moment and see where life takes me. So, kiss me already. LOL.

Dating 101

My mac broke down for the third time and thanks to my trusty N82, I'm posting again. Yay! These past few days have been pretty interesting, making me see a lot of things in a different perspective altogether.

It's safe to say I like where things are going right now, as far as hanging out goes. Taking my time and having a blast! Might as well enjoy every single minute, right? LOL.

So, what's with the title you ask? Well, let's just say that it was inspired by the men in my life right now. LOL. Indulge me, you say? LOL. Okay. Dad picked me up at work today and as soon as I got in the car, he started quizzing me, which by the way is unbecoming of him because he doesn't seem to care a lot about me. I mean we barely really talk.

Anyhow, he starts off with, "Are you seeing anyone right now?" Bemused more than irritated I ask, "why?" He shocks me again with, "it's okay with me, just stick to your own kind." Normally, I would just shrug off whatever he says but intrigued by the sudden show of concern I continued by remarking, "Dad, we're just hanging out. Okay?" He paused for a second, looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't like you dating other guys that aren't Filipino. I don't want you to get impregnated then be left alone to raise the baby. I don't like it one bit." He closed his eyes for a moment then said, "I'm getting old. You are not going to date this guy."

As dumbstruck as I was, I couldn't believe how my dad who seems to ignore every bloody thing about me now shares a piece of insight with me. By the time we got home though, he dropped the subject. Thank God! As relieved as I was however, the shock hadn't washed off completely. 

I am only 22 and already my dad thinks I'm seriously contemplating marriage? Wow. Perhaps in the past that would've been very probable. Now? I don't think so. I mean, I have a whole new life ahead of me. There's no need to rush. I've got time. Plus, I have to find and meet the guy first, right? LOL. Oh yeah, being single does have its perks.

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

"Don't leave," he says. "I don't want you to go." And in his eyes, I feel an earnest sense of urgency magnified further with the longing in his voice. "Why?" I ask in anticipation. He locks gazes with me, and nonchalantly says, "because I will miss you." I feel my heart skip a beat and those stupid butterflies flutter in my stomach. Great. I feel like a 15-year old kid again. He stares at me intently, with those green eyes that seem to scrutinize my every reaction. Oh God. Stop looking at me. A smile and a shrug was all I could muster, then bowed my head as I feel my cheeks start to flame red hot. I could not let this dude know just how much he had an effect on me. I just could not. Not right now, not yet at least.

As I slowly look in his direction, he seemed to be in deep thought. It looked like he was trying to piece a better argument in his head. Looking at him like that, all agitated and saddened about it, made me sad. I didn't want to leave either. I mean, not now when I'm actually getting to know you. He was looking at me again. I tried to bow my head and look in the other direction. Seriously, I'm all butter inside. If Steve were here, he'd make cracks at it. Oh well.

I could tell with the way he looked that he was anxious. The day dragged on with him intently staring towards my direction. One time, I caught him off-guard with his eyes fixated on me as if I was the only person in the room. That made me feel all warm and fluttery inside, but it also made me feel so self conscious I couldn't even look up after that. I just went with a, "what," in a tone that conveyed annoyance to some degree. I wasn't annoyed but yeah, it certainly feels weird having someone gape at you like you were some fish in a tank.

You don't know how you make me feel. Sigh. I look at him, he gazes back and for a split-second there I could tell that he sensed what I was thinking. I could be wrong though. He was restless since this afternoon because I almost was late for work. That's sweet though. Having someone worry like that for you. Or maybe, it's just me putting so much thought into things? LOL. Oh get a grip Mae. Seriously.

The day ends with us parting ways. The lift closes and I catch a glimpse of him staring back at me. Again, with the same sad expression he had this afternoon when I broke the news to him. I did not want to leave. As I make my way across the expanse of the building, I hear them talking. I could barely make out the topic though. I strode quickly to avoid them. I had to leave. I didn't want to hear those words anymore. I don't want you to leave.

The drive home was cold and for the first time silent. Dad was still mad about me getting home at around 2 in the morning. He still had not gotten over that. It was a short drive though and as we pulled into the drive way, I get a message from him. It said, it sucks that you're leaving. To which I quickly replied, why? You don't want me to go? Why is that? A couple of minutes pass and he retorts with, because I will miss you. I knew he would say that but wanting to know more, I decided to probe and ask why? To which he just simply writes back with, because I like you. Ah, the power of words! Wow. That kilig feeling sweeps over me in waves and I feel my face colour. I was grinning from ear to ear like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. I wrote back with, Thanks? I like you too. And that was it. So ends the night with this post.

The Morning After

Thanks guys for humouring me yesterday and taking the time to fit me in your busy schedules. I really appreciate it. Aaron, I am trying to move on. I just need to do it in my own time. I have yet to fully grasp the finality of it all. And no to rebounds, that's the last thing I need right now. I just want to be happy. Amit, no I wasn't kidding about Dad's plan of sending me back on the next flight. He actually booked a flight I think [?], I still have to confirm the details. And yes, both Mum and Dad went ballistic over that. Ridiculous really because they both know what I'm going through. I need some serious cheering up and they give me crap about it. Fuck.

It's infuriating. To be confined within the four walls of my room because they still see me as their little girl. I know they mean well but I'm 22. I've finished university, haven't I? I did almost every thing they wanted me to do. Why can't they just let me have a little bit of fun? Don't I have the right to do that anymore? It's not like I'm forgetting my familial obligations. I need my time. Please understand. I'm trying to recover from the blows Carlo has thrown upon me. Let me be for now, let me enjoy my hard-earned money. Please. That is all I ask.

Ouch

Psycho Bitch is at it again. She's messing up with my mind and seriously, I do not need anymore of that. I know Eric would say I'm doing myself disservice by reading her BS spam on Plurk but there's a certain point where I need to defend myself. She is attacking me. Invading my personal space. It's come even to a point where she's posting supposed pictures of them at her place. It's so retarded really. I do not need evidence, seriously. And if you guys are "happy" as you say you are, then stop spamming me. You must be threatened by my mere presence because even if I'm literally on the other side of the world, 12 hour-time zone difference away, you still feel the need to blatantly profess your "happy" relationship and your "love" for each other. Fuck off Bitch. This is my world. 

Pardon the profanity. I just could not stop myself. I need to let that out. What a mess I've gotten myself into. Sigh. When will things ever be normal for me?

Day 15

So not over. I'm about to make one of those big life-changing decisions and I'm hoping to get every one's thoughts in before I do. I know most of you will question my sanity but I've come to this conclusion after much deliberation. The path is laid out before me. The plan is pure and simple.  But the task is a Herculean one and the circumstances that may arise once I set the the gears into motion may very well affect not only me but the people's lives around me. Today marks the 15th day of bittersweet freedom.

Last night, I was able to chat with Mizthi. It was so nice of her to talk to me despite what happened. I guess I probably said too much than was necessary. She might have at one point, thought I've gone mental. It seems that way, as most people would argue. Delusional even to some who think it's in my best interest to go on with life. But yeah, she basically told me to be happy. Now why does that sound familiar?

Okay, I should be happy. I am trying to be happy. I am choosing to be happy. To be happy is to be blithe, to be blissful and to be ecstatic. It  also means to be content, to be felicitous and to be propitious. All very good definitions of happiness. But, do they know what to be happy means to me in context? I don't think so. I don't even think they're aware of it at all. And neither do you.

I've said this time and again. I'm not done yet. I still have one more card to lay on the table. One last chance for the impossible. One shot left for happiness with you. Yes. You. Walang iwanan remember? I'm keeping true to that.

My Brand of Heroin

What an exhausting day this was. And I'm just not talking about the hours too. Not only did they cut back our hours again, they've also taken one of the glorious 15-minute breaks, the last break away. It just keeps getting worse and worse everyday. Every single bloody day.

There's only one thing I'm looking forward to at work now. And it's not even pay day, although technically that should actually count. Yeah. You guessed it. Mr. Stranger. Ikaw. Ikaw. Ikaw nga e. Who else would you think it is? Oh, will you stop guessing? Oh, come on isn't it pretty clear yet? Think about it. Seriously.

Yeah. You. The Culprit. The dude who's making me feel absurdly warm inside. I literally melt under your gaze. Surely by now, you're aware of this. You make me feel too self-conscious. I can't even stare at you long enough to notice the infinitesimal details anymore. I hate feeling like this whenever you're around. Tongue-tied and confused, I don't even know what to say at times. I've never been this vulnerable before. What is it that you have seriously? Why am I so damn attracted to you?

I can't even figure it out. My head is screaming, WALK AWAY! WALK AWAY! Yet somehow I can't manage to stay away. I've tried and it was so difficult. It was like, and this is going to sound lame, you were my fix. As Edward Cullen put it, exactly my brand of heroin. I'm so addicted to you. As bad as that sounds however, I can't deny that fact. I sound obsessed, don't I? Oh wow. I'm more into you than I thought possible. This has got to stop. Seriously. I have got to stop.

Guess Who

Ikaw. Oo. Ikaw nga. Di mo ba alam? Ikaw yun. Take a wild guess. Sino kaya more or less ang aking tinutukoy sa previous entry ko about Mr. Stranger? Madali lang yan, promise! You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out. And if you're pretty smart, may idea ka na who he is. LOL.

Nakakaloka. Halos mawindang ako nang ilan sa mga katrabaho ko e biglang nagtatatanong kung sila yun! Hello, pinabasa ko ba sa kanila yung poem ko? Hell no. Only a handful of people got to read that poem. That narrows the list down to about five. Let me see, sino kaya? LOL. And kung sinuman sya, he made me laugh so hard at the time.

Oh by the way to some who know, please keep it your grave? I trust you with that vital piece of info. LOL. Masyado na ba akong obvious? Pansin mo? LOL. Sana lang I don't blush once malaman nya. That'll certainly turn my world inside out.

Back to Ex. Yeah. I just wonder, will we ever be okay? I mean it's getting exhausting. I hate not knowing what's happening to him, how he is now and what's he up to. I still care for him this much. I really do. And with the predicament I am in right now, it makes it all the more confusing. How can I like this dude so much yet still care for Ex as much as I do? I'm being selfish. I'm fully aware of that. However, I cannot ignore the fact that I am starting to feel a strong attraction to this other person as well. It sounds like a REBOUND waiting to happen. And trust me, I don't want it to be like that at all. I guess I just need to take things slow for now and just see where it takes me. The last thing I need is to hurt another person again with my self-destructive ways. No more of that.

Hurt.

Ano bang problema mo ha! Baket pagmamay-ari mo ba ang Plurk? Wala na ba akong karapatan na i-voice out mga nararamdaman ko? Iniwan mo na nga ako, nawalan nako ng kaibigan at ngayon pati pa ba naman yun kukunin mo pa? Napaka-selfish mo. Baka nakakalimutan mo, you broke up with me. You chose to end it. Not me. Tapos ngayon mag-iinarte ka ng ganyan saken? Ano bang nagawa ko sayo? Ano? Niloko ba kita? Yung mga pictures? Si Ivan nanaman? OMG.

Ang kitid kasi ng utak mo. Magkaibigan kami ni Faisal. Isa sya sa mga napagsasabihan ko ng mga nangyayari dito kasi sobrang busy ka sa trabaho mo. Ngayon wala na sya, wala nakong makausap. Tapos pati pa ba naman yung karapatang magPlurk kukunin mo pa saken? Ano pa ba ang di ko nabigay sayo ha? Ano pa ba ang kulang at kelangan mong kunin lahat lahat saken? Ano pa? Ano pa Carlo? 

Oh Noes!

Whew! That was a close call. For a second there I thought I was beginning to care for the fellow. Well, I did and now, I've decided not to. Call me fickle but yeah, for a split second there I did feel some form of begrudging which is really ridiculous since I hold no claim whatsoever. I know, here I go again. Good thing I was able to check myself though. I mean seriously, this is not what I need right now. A clean break remember? Good and clean and nothing in between? No more strings attached; free as a bird to do whatever I want, however I want it. No, stop that. Stop feeling like that. Believe me, you're better off alone right now.

I should probably not mention this but Brammy if you're reading my blog tonight, try reading between the lines okay? And yeah, the previous entry really pertained to you. Sorry.

HIGHLIGHT of the day: I made two sales! Woohoo! Back to back as well! I hope we make good on this campaign. I'd hate to think of anyone leaving.

Can You Keep A Secret?

I wrote this poem a month ago, inspired by a guy (who asked me not to expose his identity) at work who is infatuated with this girl but it's hopeless because she doesn't feel the same way. 

Patuloy na umaasa na mapansin mo sinta

Ngunit wala na ata akong magagawa

Kung siya lang ang iyong nakikita.

Sinubukan kong dedmahin ka

Ngunit kay lakas ng iyong impluwensya

Kahit san ako mapunta, mukha mo ang nakikita.

Ano ba talagang meron ka

At ako'y nahuhumaling sa iyong angking ganda?

Minsan naisip kong magpakalayo na

Ngunit patuloy pa ring inaasam na makapiling ka.

O, kay lupit ng tadhana,

Isa ba itong parusa?

The weird thing was, at the time I penned this, I was feeling similar emotions as well towards someone else. The notion only occurred to me after having that person read it to me aloud. I was surprised and wondered at the same time why I felt that way towards this person who I did not know quite well and yet had such a power over me. It was like I was gripped since day one. 

I've always been the type of person to watch from afar and keep my distance. You might say, I like to observe people a lot. I don't feel it necessary to blab about how I feel or what I think towards them. If they knew, I'm pretty sure they'd stop talking to me. In my whole 22-year existence, nobody has ever known how I truly felt and what I really thought of things. A pacifist by nature, I've always settled for what is right or what has less resistance. All the life-changing decisions I've made are the result of compromises with people I love and have loved. Knowing they're happy made me happy, somewhat.

However, this person has infiltrated the wall. He has broken down that barrier and within a span of days has gotten to know more about me than I would happily share with anyone. Even my best friends who live in the other side of the globe are not aware of the things I've told this stranger. I would die of mortification if any of them knew. I would literally die.

So, how come this guy who's as much of a stranger as anyone could be have that much of an effect on me? I don't know. I couldn't even comprehend why I nonchalantly chatter on such secrets to him without even knowing a single bloody thing about him. Well, I do know a little about his history and some of the questionable and disturbing things he's done but other than that, I know so little of him. It kind of scares me a little because I feel so vulnerable whenever he's around, like a soap bubble about to burst.

Bizarre, don't you think?

A Kaleidoscope World: Francis M.

I just want to take the time to pay tribute to the Man from Manila,  a FreeMAN no less, the King and one and only Master Rapper Francis "Kiko" Magalona, the pride and joy of the Filipino Rap Community. 

Thank you Kuya Kiko. For the music and for giving the Filipinos a renewed sense of patriotism and nationalistic pride. For breaking down the barriers against Filipino Hip Hop and giving us every right to feel proud of our brown heritage. I remember being about 3 years old then when I first heard Mga Kababayan Ko. I didn't know who you were back then but I distinctly recall my parents singing that song to me as a lullaby. Thank you.

Behind all the accolades lies a simple Man from Manila with a dream. To unite all the peoples in his country against oppression and colonialism. To break beyond the barriers and strive for a better and brighter Philippines. Rest in peace Kuya Kiko. The Man from Manila is now, truly a Free Man. An icon and a legendary musician, the 3 Stars and a Sun will forever shine.

Day 10

Ten. Ten days since the breakup. Ten stinking nights of crying myself to sleep and waking up at dawn then waiting for sleepiness to set in again. Ten days of denial, of anger, of bargaining. And still, nothing. My prayers have fallen to deaf ears. I guess this is God's way of saying, "move on child. I want you to be happy. You deserve to be." I even sound delusional, don't I?

I'm trying my best to let go. I've put away most of his stuff including the rings and the shirts, the scents, the earrings he's given. I still wear the necklace though. For some reason, I'd feel lost without it around my neck. I guess you could consider that cheating, trying to keep a connection with him somehow despite what happened.

Anyhow, there's just the matter of the pictures I've stored in Mac. I mean, I consider them as one of the happiest moments in my life and though they may at times bring painful reminders of the way we were, I could not bring myself to delete them. So what to do with them? Ideas anyone? 

On the side note, I'm really looking forward to see Watchmen tomorrow! A fellow tabster gave it two-thumbs up. Haha. Furthermore, the blue "thingy" got me intrigued. Does it glow too? LOL.