The Hauntings

Another weird dream involving strange men and abductions haunted me last night and I found myself waking up at dawn, sweating in the sweltering heat of summer as I tried to push back whatever ghastly scenes I've seen and will myself back to sleep. I lay there seemingly restless, my body wanted sleep but my mind had a will of its own. The harder I tried to calm myself down, the more vivid the images came to mind. This may sound childish to some since it was all but a dream, but it really the scared the shit out of me. I mean for three consecutive nights now, I've been having the same nightmare. It's like on replay.

It starts off with me lining up to get on the bus. As I wait for my turn, I notice strange men in black ogling me. One looked like he knew who I was and requested to see an ID. I showed him my health card since I had it on hand [I don't know why]. He looked at me then to the picture on my health card then to me again then shot a look at him companion. This other guy comes out of nowhere and all of a sudden grabs me by the arm and says, "miss you better come with us. Be silent and don't say a word."

Shocked, I initially went with them until I felt this ominous feeling bubble up deep down and as soon as I found a way to break free, I ran as fast as I could. I remember leaving my bag behind and all I had on me was my laptop, purse and jacket. They were running after me. I kept yelling for help but nobody seemed to hear my pleas. Everyone in the terminal [it seemed like one] went about their usual business, no one even noticed me running for my life as four strange men came after me. I tried yelling louder and louder and louder until I woke up. This was the first night I had this dream.

The following [night] dream pretty much started off the same way, except this time they actually abduct me and they take me to their leader. I am able to narrowly escape, except this time I only had my purse with me. I get to a subway station as soon as I get into the train, the doors close. I thought I was safe but it seemed like the strange men knew where I was going because at the next stop, as soon as I get off they spot me again. The running ensues and I wake up gasping for air.

Last night was different. Although it started pretty much the same as it did the first night, they actually catch up to me this time and this huge black guy asks me a very strange question. I guess he was the big boss because everyone seemed to be scared of him. He looked down at me, his eyes as black as coal and asked me again. This time, I hear myself saying I know nothing and don't have [whatever it was they were looking for] on me. I even said, "go ahead and strip search me if you like. I don't know what you're talking about." He must've liked the suggestion because as soon as I uttered the word strip, he snapped his fingers and his men took to a strange room, ripped my clothes off me until I only had my bottom underwear left. He [big ugly black boss] starts touching my body, caressing me as big fat tears roll down my cheeks. I remember pleading and crying and yelling but no one seems to hear me, and then... I wake up.

Keeping It Real

I had difficulty sleeping last night. Well, that's an understatement actually. I had trouble dozing off for the past two weeks. I mean I've been having strange dreams lately concerning weddings and getting abducted by strange men. I don't know why I keep getting those nightmares this week. Should I read into it or learn to shake it off?

Anyhow, last night was different though. Thoughts of current events swirled in my head and kept me up, pondering the night away. One particular thought puzzled me. I know what Amit or Eric would say, that I was overanalyzing things again, digging meaning to every word reading in between the lines. A really bad habit of mine but last night, hard as I've tried to put myself to sleep and not obsess about this one sentence, something deep down kept gnawing at me. Eating my insides and I knew there was no way I would be able to brush it off. And so, for 3 and half hours I lay awake, staring into the vacant space such as one would in a trance.

What is this thought, this one line that would bother me so and keep me up for 3 hours you ask? Simple really, six words. Six-friggin'-words that have rocked the very core of my being. I don't want to lose you. Thinking about it even now, sends chills down my spine. I have to pause and take a breather just having to type it right now.

As melodramatic as it sounds, I've never ever considered [heck even dreamed in my wildest of wildest dreams] to hear those six words from you. Never. After all, four failed relationships and a broken engagement later would have surely disillusioned one into thinking it would ever be possible to find someone who'd be willing enough to stick it through and actually have the gall [gut and balls] to confess just how much one would factor in the other's life. It just didn't seem to occur to me that someone like you would be capable of doing such a thing, let alone say it out loud.

It took me by surprise not because I refuse to see myself with you but because I don't think it plausible to stay together or even hope to stay together [suicidal instinct that would shatter me once things end badly] for such a long period of time. Remember once we talked about seeing ourselves three years down the road? That conversation we had kept bugging me. Although it thrills me to think, nay even consider, you wanting to be with me for that long, I must also face reality. I mean, people change and that's a known fact. As time passes, we too get older and our needs and desires change as well. This might help me get my point across.

I guess what I'm saying is, actually asking from you is to refrain from saying those things to me. Please understand that although I appreciate the sentiment you wanted to get across, I would rather not hear of such things for fear that later on I might hold onto it. Do acknowledge the fact that as a female, I too tend to put too much stock in every word you say. It's just one of the pitfalls of our species. Tell me you love to such an extent but please do not lead me to believe otherwise. Please, that is all I ask.

A Dialogue

What's wrong with me? Seriously, for some reason when things are going as smooth as they could get I seem to always manage to do something totally unnecessary and screw up? Why? I mean, what is my deal? Why can't I just for once let things happen and be happy? Why? Because happiness is overrated my dear, it doesn't exist. You might think you're happy but we both know what we want. We want more. We want every thing, the friggin' fairytale storybook romance complete with Prince Charming on his mighty stead, riding brave and proud to rescue you out of your misery. We both want that. We want what we can't have or don't have. We're just not content with being plain happy.

That isn't what I want, I just want to be me. That's bullshit. We both know you want more. You want to be with Carlo and Amit because they both hold a certain fascination to you. The different facets of your being demand to be fulfilled and you can't, nay refuse to even choose. You want both. We want both.

But that isn't fair, and besides, I cannot be selfish because I, for one, am opposed to sharing. True, you are opposed to sharing with someone else but in actuality you relish the idea of having two people in your life and you'd rather not settle for secondbest.We both know you love Amit's spontaneity and vivacious bubbly personality yet you also crave Carlo's practicality and the technical perspective on things. They both inspire you to accomplish things you'd otherwise do because they spark within you a light that gives you hope and motivates you to move on amid the darkness surrounding you.Since Day One, we both know you haven't made your choice. You're just going through the motions and letting things fall into place and now that they have, you're unhappy.

That is NOT TRUE. I am happy. Then why break up such a beneficial union with Amit? Because... Because what? Do you honestly think you can lie to me? My dear, try as you may we both know you wont be able to come up with an answer that makes sense. He was correct in saying you push people away. We both push people away, that's how we cope. We're scared to be alone yet also scared to be smothered. We want someone to love us the way we love them yet we feel restrained at times and relish the thought of absolute freedom. If we both go on like this, we both might miss the chance for real and genuine happiness. Do you get me?

Let the moment pass you by... Exactly. You don't want to be in that position, do you? You don't want to be Julia Roberts in My Bestfriend's Wedding, right? No. I know I love Amit. Of course you do, yet you also love Carlo still. Choose my dear. Or better yet, just try to be happy. Just be happy with Amit. He loves you. You know this, we both do. So stop pushing him away.

But what about those dreams? Pay heed to the caution but live in the moment. As far as we're both concerned, that hasn't happened yet. We'll cross the bridge when we get there. For now, I urge you to be happy. Give your relationship with Amit a chance. You might never know, life sometimes surprises you in more ways than you can imagine. We both deserve to be happy.

Who The Hell Do You Think You Are?

WTF. Can't you guys just leave me alone? Haven't I done enough for you? Why can't you just let me be? It's  bad enough that I have to save your ass every time you can't make rent, now, you sidetrack people into taking your side by telling me who I should and should not date? Who the fuck are you? Last time I checked you abandoned us. You left us what, almost starving in 2004? I almost had to give up school because Mum could barely afford it. Please save me all the bullshit. You can't even support me, let alone feed me. You're a pathetic excuse for a man.

Fuck you. Lumaki ako na wala ka, di kita kelangan. Wala ka na ngang ginawang mabuti para sa pamilyang 'to, saken mo pa ipapasa responsibilities mo. You fucking go to hell. I don't care. I'm moving out. So sick and tired of cleaning up your mess. You did this to us. You cheated on Mum. You cohabited with that whore of a mistress and showered that bastard child every little fucking luxury you could afford. You starved your own family, abandoned your kids and your wife for the cheap thrills of sex. May asawa na nga't lahat lahat, nagawa mo pang patusin. Ibang klase ka talagang hayup ka. Di ka pa marunong mahiya saken. Ikaw na may 12 years na dito sa Canada, hanggang ngayon wala pa ring ipon; ni walang maipagmalaking napundar. 

Ano? Tigas din naman ng mukha mo na pagsabihan ako. Nakakahiya mga pinaggagagawa ko? Anong mas nakakahiya aber? Yung kumapit sa babaeng puta na samu't sari ang kinakalantari? O makipagdate sa lalaking single, walang asawa at matino ang pag-iisip? Huwag kang magmalinis dahil alam nating dalawa na mas masahol ka pa sa hayop. You have no fucking right to dictate what I should and shouldn't do. You are no fucking role model. Fuck off SOB. Leave me the hell alone.

I am so moving out after this. Cut me off [from the family] if you have to. I refuse to deal with this shit anymore. This is the last straw asshole.

The Nearness of You

This is weird. Wherever I seem to go, you always manage to catch up with me. Well, not the actual you but in the form of something or someone that either reminds me a lot about you or actually looks like you. Let me explain. During the course of le boyfriend's absence at Vox [he has caught viral pharyngitis] this week, a guy from inbound [I've only noticed him walking around and about on the floor a couple of days ago] who seemed to be newly hired passes by my cubicle.

Normally I don't give guys a second look, not intentionally of course but this dude was different. Yesterday he sported a purple shirt and wore his hair up [Asian style] and looked so much like him, I couldn't stop myself from staring whenever he passed by. It was uncanny the way he resembled and reminded me of Carlo. From the hair style down to the height and the built, he could be mistaken for a clone or a twin. The only difference I could spot were the shape of his eyes and the neatness of how brows. How convenient as well for this person to pop up especially at a time where le boyfriend is nowhere in sight. I don't know, perhaps Fate is screwing with me as she always seem to do.

I must admit though. His presence gave me a lot to think about. I know months have passed since that fateful day, but it's not that easy to put asunder. Suffice to say, it takes more than 6 months to leave it all behind. As Idris Elba said in Obsessed, [I can't believe I'm quoting his characted in the movie by the way] you have to keep moving forward. Whatever the problems in life, always move forward. True. True. Move along.