Showing posts with label Neurosis and other Medical-Related S/Sx. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Neurosis and other Medical-Related S/Sx. Show all posts

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Hauntings

Another weird dream involving strange men and abductions haunted me last night and I found myself waking up at dawn, sweating in the sweltering heat of summer as I tried to push back whatever ghastly scenes I've seen and will myself back to sleep. I lay there seemingly restless, my body wanted sleep but my mind had a will of its own. The harder I tried to calm myself down, the more vivid the images came to mind. This may sound childish to some since it was all but a dream, but it really the scared the shit out of me. I mean for three consecutive nights now, I've been having the same nightmare. It's like on replay.

It starts off with me lining up to get on the bus. As I wait for my turn, I notice strange men in black ogling me. One looked like he knew who I was and requested to see an ID. I showed him my health card since I had it on hand [I don't know why]. He looked at me then to the picture on my health card then to me again then shot a look at him companion. This other guy comes out of nowhere and all of a sudden grabs me by the arm and says, "miss you better come with us. Be silent and don't say a word."

Shocked, I initially went with them until I felt this ominous feeling bubble up deep down and as soon as I found a way to break free, I ran as fast as I could. I remember leaving my bag behind and all I had on me was my laptop, purse and jacket. They were running after me. I kept yelling for help but nobody seemed to hear my pleas. Everyone in the terminal [it seemed like one] went about their usual business, no one even noticed me running for my life as four strange men came after me. I tried yelling louder and louder and louder until I woke up. This was the first night I had this dream.

The following [night] dream pretty much started off the same way, except this time they actually abduct me and they take me to their leader. I am able to narrowly escape, except this time I only had my purse with me. I get to a subway station as soon as I get into the train, the doors close. I thought I was safe but it seemed like the strange men knew where I was going because at the next stop, as soon as I get off they spot me again. The running ensues and I wake up gasping for air.

Last night was different. Although it started pretty much the same as it did the first night, they actually catch up to me this time and this huge black guy asks me a very strange question. I guess he was the big boss because everyone seemed to be scared of him. He looked down at me, his eyes as black as coal and asked me again. This time, I hear myself saying I know nothing and don't have [whatever it was they were looking for] on me. I even said, "go ahead and strip search me if you like. I don't know what you're talking about." He must've liked the suggestion because as soon as I uttered the word strip, he snapped his fingers and his men took to a strange room, ripped my clothes off me until I only had my bottom underwear left. He [big ugly black boss] starts touching my body, caressing me as big fat tears roll down my cheeks. I remember pleading and crying and yelling but no one seems to hear me, and then... I wake up.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Caught Up In The Whirlwind

Tonight I pour my heart out. No excuses this time, no sense in putting this off. I think I've made quite a complete fool of myself these past few months, getting involved rather too quickly I must say and now karma's biting me in the ass. Tonight, I face my fears head on and confront every single memory that has haunted me. Tonight, I say goodbye to you.

I must admit I've been having doubts for a long time now and tonight, my instincts have proven me right. And as much as this hurts me, I have to let go. I'm sorry. Do believe me when I say this, it's not you. It's me. I just can't function this way, always having to feel vulnerable, scared of being alone and hurt. I'm sorry but this is for the best. I love you and I don't want to hurt you, but I have to love myself more this time. I have no one but me to rely on, and for that I am virtually and in essence, alone. For the most part, I want to thank you. You have been nothing but kind and nice and caring to me. I doubt you'll stay single for long and trust me on this, you deserve someone better. As dramatic as this may sound, I'm setting you free. Go  and find your happiness.

***Disclaimer: This was written as a rant, and is therefore, considered by the blogger as nothing more than a necessary outburst of emotion. A venting process if you will, to address certain concerns that have been plaguing her mind for the past week. Just the subconscious talking.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Fairly Brittle

I don't know what's wrong with me today. What the fuck is my problem! Why am I stressing on this minor detail when I should be more focused on achieving my own set of goals? I have my nursing exam to look forward. This isn't working for me. I'm losing interest. What the hell is wrong with me! This is not about Dad anymore, or the crappy job at Vox although both have added undue stress these past few days. I feel like I'm being pulled into all directions and nearing my limit too. Like I'm about to reach the breaking point and I don't know if I can make it through in one piece. It doesn't help at all worrying about A and his situation at work as well. I feel like everything at the moment is consuming me and I can't breathe. I can't breathe. What is this, quarter-life crisis? I mean, c'mon I'm barely in mid-twenties and already I'm closer to burnout than most 25 year-olds.

I guess I care so much about things that I just have to learn to let go and just allow life to happen. I mean for the longest time I've been fighting to make things happen for myself and now, I think I should just take a backseat and let life drive. Worrying and stressing about these things really consume me. Going against the tide and resisting natural forces don't sit well with me. Heck, it doesn't work at all. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm letting life take charge for now. I'll still stress out about the nursing exam but other than that, I''ll just go with the flow wherever my feet may take me.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Hakuna Matata

Chest pains are getting worse as the stress on this campaign increases. It doesn't help either that my TL is an arrogant obnoxious asshole who cares more about punching in numbers than he does for his agents. I loathe him. Called in sick today. Must see a doctor soon enough. I just hope it's nothing serious though, le boyfriend is worried enough as it is.

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