Picking Up The Pieces

Here I am, newly single and alone to fend for myself. It's a difficult time right now especially with the shit going on at work and the financial troubles my family's going through. I don't even think I have the strength in me to go on. But go on I must and with each day that passes by, I wake up with the comforting thought that things will smooth out soon. Then it doesn't feel half as bad anymore because I have kindred spirits at work who really take the time to comfort me at this crucial period in my life.

I know I can get through this. I fully comprehend what I am capable of doing when under dire circumstances I'm pushed to survive on my own. But it's a different situation altogether because I don't have my mum nor my best friends to confide with. They're miles and time-zones away, and probably have not a single idea about the fairly recent status change.

Now, how to pick up the pieces? How to get back on my feet again after a harrowing, gut-wrenching I'd-want-to-die-now-but-not-yet-until-you-suffer-it's-payback-time experience? It's not gonna be easy. Who said it will be? But it's not that complicated either. Question is, do I have the courage to do what I should be doing right now? I don't know. I'm taking my time, step by step navigating my way through a healthier, better (crossing my fingers now) and wiser me hopefully.

So This is Goodbye.

Are you going to kill me? Is your heart so set out on killing me both figuratively and literally? Is there no more space in your heart to forgive? Did you lie to me all those times when you vowed to stay in this for the long haul? When you declared that your life will end as soon as we do? When you said you'd fight for us no matter what it took? Were you lying to me then the first night we were together? When you said I was your happiness?  Were you lying too then when you proposed to me? Were you lying to me all those times?

Tell me then quite frankly, you don't love me anymore? All those times you said you love me, were they nothing but bullshit? Are you throwing me away like some ragged piece of doll you've gotten tired of playing with? Is that it? Is it because I can't fulfill your sexual needs anymore? Did you just waste your time on me? Is that it? Am I just a waste of time to you? A burden that you've been for quite sometime now plotting to get rid of and now have successfully did?

Am I just a waste of space in your mind? Am I just a piece of trash to you? Am I nothing to you? Are you going to kill me now?

Office Politics

Okay. This week by far is the worst week ever. First, he gets mad, refuses to talk to me then dumps me. And we find out that the client has cut our hours from 8 down to 6 hours! Imagine, $66 per day would be just about a little over 600 minus taxes? I don't know probably about $400? Now how am I supposed to pay the rent and bills plus send money home with that kind of income? Sigh. Nakakarma na ba ako?

I don't know, pretty soon I have to find a part time job and quick. I mean I hope it doesn't make a turn for the worst. I really need the money right now.

Okay enough of the bad news. Every one at work seemed to be nice today. Well, at least some were more than polite and actually took time to converse or mingle with other people. The office discussions were so diversified in topic and today it ranged from the flu shots and how it actually aided the mutation of the cold virus to Tim Horton's ridiculous ads to signing up for the Military. 

The funny part was most discussions involved men giving their 2 cents in. Akala ko ba mga babae ang madadaldal? LOL. Anyhow, today was an okay day. It wasn't the best but for now I'll settle with what's available. People were much more attentive and showed the slightest bit of interest in me, well the new guys did. It was sort of nice to be asked questions such as, "how long have you been in Canada? Where are you from? Did you come here to finish school?" And the pleasure of seeing the mixed reactions on their faces whenever I tell them I am an RN back home and I've been in the country for about 2 months now. I never get tired of that esp. when people go, "what? You're a nurse? What are you doing here [in the call center]?" LOL.

Yeah. I keep asking myself the same question. Bakit ako nagtitiis sa call centre? I could be making about $ 55,000 annually or about $ 4,500 monthly. I know, that's a lot of money. But hey, every one's gotta start small right? And besides, I'm saving up for the exams so 'til then I have to put food on the table.

Anyhow, I liked how people responded to me today. I find Eric being the most outspoken person today, witty and surprisingly refreshing than most guys I've met so far. Aaron was pretty nice too, he intently stares at Laboni so often though that sometimes it gets creepy. Haha. Jesse spoke more than 10 sentences to me today so I think that's good. I think he's slowly opening up to the old guys. George, the buff guy surprised me today. He got into in depth discussions about the spread of epidemics and how the flu shots affect the cold virus' mutation leading to its eventual spread. As usual Parvin and Laboni were wrapped in conversation, Bangla as usual. Amit was his usual self, teasing Laboni, still trying to get her attention. LOL. Today wasn't bad except the part when Parvin put me on the spot asking me, "gusto mo s'ya," all the while pointing at Amit. I didn't see that coming at all. 

What was I to say? I mean, I never thought about it at all. It never even occurred to me that I would be asked that question. Not that I would mind but still, it caught me off-guard. The best response I could muster? "Okay lang s'ya. Mabait naman e." Because really, I haven't really thought about how I felt towards him until now. And to be honest, I've never given much thought to that. Nakakagulat pa lalo nang sabihin n'yang gusto n'ya ako. Now that was really most unexpected. Nawindang ako no'n! LOL. I mean, for weeks now I've seen him make the moves on Laboni. Ever so much that I tease him about trying so hard. Tapos ako isusunod? Ayoko naman manghusga kasi I could be wrong di ba? Then again, baka may basis s'ya in saying that. What a very unpredictable move though.

So what do I feel towards him? Sa totoo lang, di ko alam e. As I've said he's nice and fairly decent naman except the smoking and the other thing. Funny and witty rin tapos he reads books so at least may utak s'ya. And I don't want to sound conceited but he seems to enjoy hanging out with me although I find that odd. Like today we were sent home early (bwisit nga e) and I had to wait for like 20-30 minutes for Dad to come pick me up. He stayed behind and waited with me. I mean at first I thought okay, he's being polite and all but he did actually stay and even walked me to my dad's car which was parked on the other side of the building. It was snowing pa. I thought that was kind of a sweet gesture and very gentlemanly of him. So why am I surprised? Kasi nakakagulat talaga behavior n'ya. He's pretty much like Janong which when you come to think of it, di n'ya pinapahalatang he cares about you. Okay, that's weird though. Why would he care? And more so, why am I asking this question?

Anyhow, that was kind of a nice way to end the day although it felt pretty awkward at the part where we said our goodbyes. LOL. And tomorrow, someone might have a field day reading this entry but I don't care. They can take it anyway they want. I don't really care.

Dark Cloud Overhead.

I can feel it coming. A dark cloud overhead. I can feel it enveloping me in darkness. I feel big fat tears rolling down my cheeks before I could even stop them. I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs. I feel like banging my head on the wall. I feel like nothing.

I want to feel numb. To not be able to think. To not be able to remember. I want to forget so badly. I want to be happy. Yet how? When every memory of you haunts me? How? When all I see is your face at night? How? When I yearn for your voice, your touch and your smile to get by every day?

I've heard that happiness is a choice, and in order to be happy, you have got to make a conscious choice to be happy. So does this mean I'm choosing to be unhappy? Does this mean that I'm imposing sorrow and unhappiness onto myself because I choose to deal with the situation this way? Full head-on?

Amit told me that I over think things. Maybe I do, he's not the only person who's ever told me that. So, yeah I over think things. I over analyze. And now I'm trying to justify my behavior. Does this mean also that I'm choosing to be unhappy because I over analyze? I don't know.

I've been through way nastier break-ups than this yet why does it hurt more? Because it was quick and final, lethal in a sense that I was caught off-guard? Perhaps. Because I had no control over it whatsoever? A little. Because I couldn't stop the impending sorrow that came with it, the incredibly painful thought of having been abandoned? Yes.

*** He told me to listen to Urbandub's Evidence.

Time has a way of healing, or so they say. 

So why am I still left here cryin'?

Caught in these ways of emotions as people stare

I find there's no real place for me to hide

Well I've been trying in vain

Was only fooling myself

With each passing day

The pain still stays the same

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've found out about you

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've found out about you

What more is it that you need

Right now clearly it's not me

With every minute that I gave to you

The punches that I took from you

Why was there no warning love?

What more is it that you need?

Right now clearly it's not me

Despite everything I did for you

Excuse me if I'm surprised

Was the moment that I found out that we were through

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've found out about you

When everything seemed alright

You turn and break my heart

Didn't I deserve your love?

It kills me inside to think of his arms

Wrapped around you now

Is he a better lover than I?

Well I've been trying in vain

Was only fooling myself

With each passing day

The pain still stays the same

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've found out about you..

Time has a way of healing, or so they say

So why am I still left here?

The Struggle Within

"Great! Look at what you've done. He's in a HOSPITAL. Because of you. Are you happy now?" 

No. I feel like SHIT right now.

"You got what you wanted didn't you? You stupid selfish girl."

I didn't mean to.

"Yeah right. Don't tell me you didn't plan this all along."

I didn't mean to! I just wanted him to trust me. Is that so much to ask?

"And that entailed him being rushed to the hospital because he's killing himself at work just to get over what happened?" 

It's not my fault! It's not!

"Yeah right. Tell that to his mum when she finds out why he's in there."

I didn't do anything wrong! Those were just pictures! 

"If you didn't do anything wrong why do you sound so defensive?" Because it's not like that at all! I'm happy with what Carlo and I have, for the whole 2 years we've been together. Why mess it up now?

"Oh, I don't know. You tell me."

There is NOTHING to tell! Faisal and I are just friends.

"Just friends? Right. I've heard that excuse before"

We are nothing but friends! Am I not allowed to have friends anymore?

"Not when you hurt people with your choice of friends."

What's wrong with befriending guys?

"A lot. Guys don't get uber friendly with girls for no reason."

But we are just friends. PLATONIC. Cordial. What is there to worry about?

"Remember Ivan?"

That was one indiscretion that I've totally atoned for. He has already forgiven me. Why bring up the past?

"Because the heart does not forget. He hasn't forgotten it."

What am I supposed to do now? I fucked up monumentally.

The Green-Eyed Monster

Seriously, what is your deal? Why be jealous at something so random as a bunch of pictures taken? With almost three years of being together you still think I'd be easily persuaded? How long have we known each other again? What? One indiscretion on my part and you can't trust me now? I gave you a way out remember? You chose to stick with us? It was even you who said we should put the past behind us? Is this what you call "putting the past behind us?"

Sigh. Aren't you happy for me that despite all the homesickness and the trials my family's going through I've managed to find kindred spirits in this cold and harsh freezing part of the Northern American continent? People who make me look forward to going to work everyday? How selfish of you. To think of only your own pain and not even consider the thought of making my life in Canada at the very least bearable.

It's sad really. I thought we were stronger than that. I thought you knew me better. I thought you trusted me. Apparently, I was wrong. Disappointed? Yeah. Hurt? A little. Enraged? You bet. If you can't trust me, there's no point in staying together anymore.

Congratulations to the Newly RNs

Just want to give a shoutout to all my friends and batchmates. I'm so proud of you guys.

BARROZO, Armie**

CABALO, Barbie Mae 

CALINOG, Maria Kiennsy

MA, Henry

OCADO, Jack

OGANA, Mariefe

OSILLA, Jesus

ORPILLA, Mark Anthony

PAGLINGAYEN, Gino

PANORINGAN, Miriam

PARAS, Alvin

PECSON, Jane Marie

PEDEGLORIO, Jaynee

QUINTO, Maria Christina

ROMERO, Christian**

Bakla!!! At last RN kana! Sabi ko sa'yo papasa ka e, 'kaw pa! Dali, fly kana dito! Landi na tayo! LOL. Bru!!! Congrats! Pa-lechon kana ngarud! LOL. Miss you guys! 

For the full list of the November 2008 Nurse Licensure Exam passers just check out: http://inquirer.cdnetworks.us/inquirer/examresults/nursing-names20090220.pdf

Office Antics

Bakit ba pakiramdam ko parang nasa high school ulit? Tulad kanina, harutan nanaman kami kasi bumagal nanaman yung dialer (read: one call every 25 minutes or so). May kanya-kanyang grupo bawat hanay. Tulad nila Laboni at Parvin na nagsasalita sa Bangla; sina Ayushma, Ramneek at Faisal na may sariling mundo; si Greg na mukhang malalim ang iniisip; at kami ni Amit na kotse ang paksa dahil sa nakaraang Canadian International Auto Show. Lagi kaming magkakasamang apat nina Laboni, Parvin at Amit. San man kami mapuwesto o mapadpad, kami pa rin ang magkakatabi. Gano'n din sina Mohsen, Hamza, Novroj at Simpson. May mga ilang taon namang kahit san malagay, ayos lang tulad nina Asma, Chetan, Jeg, Stephen, Leon, Jason, Mattheiu at Robin.

Ala-Mean Girls ang drama e. Nakakaloka. Tapos may office drama/tsismis din. Alam mo na, nung high school may pantasya ng bayan na pinagnanasahan ng mga kalalakihan? Oo, may gano'n din kami sa office pero s'yempre di ako yun. Naman! Patawa na kung mapabilang ako do'n. Ni sa panaginip di ako aakalaing maipangkat sa kategoryang iyon. Lahat ng lalaki nagkakandarapa kay Laboni at bakit naman hindi? Maliban sa maganda, matalino, balingkinitan at may kumpyansa sa sarili, alam n'ya kung ano ang gusto n'ya -ayon kay Amit. Malapit na kaibigan ang turing ko sa kanya, masaya s'yang kasama at talagang mabait naman kaso tuwing kasama ko 'ya pakiramdam ko di ako napapansin. Di naman sa papansin ako pero minsan naman e gusto ko rin mapansin dahil sa angkin kong talento o pagkatao at di dahil lamang sa kasama mo. Nakalulungkot isiping sa mundong ginagalawan ko di nila ako makita, o kulang lang ako sa pansin? Ewan ko ba. Maaaring dahil sa pagkakaiba ng kulturang Pinoy sa nakaugalian dito.

Habang naghahapunan kami ni Laboni, may lupon ng kalalakihang naupo sa katabing mesa. Nakilala ko kagad si Aaron sa grupong yon sabay hi. S'ya yung taga-Trinidad and Tobago na naka-chika namin nung Sabado. Mabait naman sya't namansin. Pagkatapos pinakilala naman kami sa kanyang mga kasama. Si Ylia na may Russian-German blood na kamukhang-kamukha ni Victor Crum ni Hermione ng Harry Potter, at si Edward na mukhang Pinoy pero laki dito kaya di makapag-Tagalog. Ayun, ayoko naman mambastos kaya pinakilala ko na sarili ko at si Laboni. Bahagyang namayani ang katahimikan ng ilang sandali hanngang sa mapukaw iyon ng humingi ng Advil si Edward.

Nakakapagtaka lang dahil ng mga sandaling iyon, bago sila maupo sa katabing mesa maligalig na nagkukwento si LAboni. Nang dumating sila, nanahimik s'yang bigla. So unlike her. Edi tanong naman ako kung bakit? Anya, natatakot raw s'ya kay Ylia. Nung raw kasi may nangyari. At take note, naganap ang mga iyon sa office. LOL. Papasok na raw s'ya no'n galing break ng makita n'yang nakatayo sa may harap ng pinto si Ylia. Dinedma lang ni Laboni ang pagkakapuwesto n'ya do'n at umaktong magsa-swipe na ng access card ng biglang lumapit si Ylia sabay abot ang kamay at nagpakilala. Ikinagulat iyon ni Laboni at matapos masabi ang pangala'y dali-daling pumasok sa loob ng office halos patakbo pa. Ayon sa kanya mukha pa raw bangag si Ylia na lalo n'yang kinatakot.

Matapos umalis sina Edward at Ylia. lumapit ako kay Aaron sabay tanong ng, "matagal mo na bang kilala si Ylia?" Bakas ang pagtataka sa kanyang mukha sabay tanong sa'kin, "bakit?" Sagot naman ako ng, "kasi nakakapangilabot s'ya." Natawa ng malakas si Aaron, malamang di inasahan na gano'n ang isasagot ko. Umamin din s'yang kinakabahan kay Ylia sabay chika na gumagamut s'ya ng bawal na gamot. Nakakakaba naman kasi talaga hitsura n'ya e. Parang hitman na kasapi sa Mafia ang dating n'ya. Ganda pero ng mata in fairness. LOL.

(Itutuloy...)

Reverie

Ever find yourself waking up in the middle of the night and trying to go back to sleep but barely succeeding? Then thoughts you've been trying to push back for so long flood your mind and before you know it you're caught in a reverie and cannot no matter how hard you try escape those thoughts or the memories. Yeah, I get one of those every now and then, with increased incidence lately.

It's been what, 5 years and yet it still haunts me. Creeping in my subconscious and digging up the broken pieces of me. I guess I haven't totally found peace yet. And unless I hear it from him, even if it's stupid and never going to happen, I guess I will never know.

I haven't found the strength yet in me to go to him and ask. I don't want to put myself in a situation where I may become vulnerable again and exposed at the caprices of the world to a man who as my friends put it, "never deserved me" in any way. Someday, when I have made a mark in the world, when I've become important enough to notice maybe I would get the chance and the courage to do so. For now, I stay in the shadows waiting for that opportunity.