Of Martial Law and Politics

What the hell is happening? Why is Martial Law going to be declared in Maguindanao? Has the violence escalated to such an extent that the situation requires extreme measures? Don't get me wrong, I feel the same sentiment as most Pinoys over this unfortunate series of events but why does all of this smell fishy?

Why can't Congress intervene on this when they are constitutionally mandated to do so? It doesn't make sense at all. Speaker Nograles, can you please comment on this?

This move feels politically motivated. I can't help but feel that something is terribly amiss behind all of this. I get that public sentiment weighs heavily right now on the Administration but can't reason exist any longer? It is what separates man from beast.

Do we really have to resort to Martial Law on this? What about the grave abuse of power that more often than not potentially occurs along with the violation of human rights of every one in Maguindanao if and when that happens? It seems to me like this is an elaborate ploy used by Arroyo to test the waters for perhaps, as one fellow plurker put it, bigger and much bolder aspirations. Do we really have to go down this path? Will we as a people let history repeat itself? And do correct me if I'm wrong but didn't Marcos use public sentiment as a vehicle to further his plans of autocracy during his administration?

I ask you this, is public sentiment enough cause to sacrifice our own democracy and feed it to the dogs?

Help, Anyone?

Is it too much to ask for your help? All I'm asking you is to walk me through this, I'm scared shitless because this is new territory for me. Not only am I out of my comfort zone, I'm going to deal with people and course/program outlines I do not fully comprehend or understand. I mean, for crying out loud, is it really too difficult to do that for me?

See, you don't know what it feels like for people like me. Sent to a foreign country, left alone to fend for oneself. Hell, trying to understand admission information alone is like deciphering hieroglyphics minus the Rosetta stone. Clearly I need help, and although it may seem all too simple for you, try to see things from my perspective.

Yet you still wonder why I'd prefer to go back. Really?

Cheers!

Here's to one full year of Canadian randomness. For those of you who don't know, today literally marks my first morning in Canada a year ago and I cannot believe how much things have changed in the past year! Boy, I wouldn't even be able to recognize myself had I met me today. Here I am, venturing in to this new life, trying to make it big here in TO.

How quickly time does pass. Before you know it winter's here and then Christmas, though it would be a really different one this year. Not only will I be celebrating it with Pops and his friends, it would also be le boyfriend's first Christmas ever spent with Filipino traditions. So looking forward to that! I mean, mean he's never had the whole Pinoy Christmas experience complete with a month-long festive decor of trees and lights and presents under the tree, of carols being sung, of noche buenas and exchanging gifts. I must say, albeit this is Canada, Christmas isn't celebrated here much. Canadians are almost indifferent to the yuletide season. It's nonchalantly brushed off and only equated to a night of a nice family dinner and the morning after. The air is so different from back home. Pinoys would give these people a serious run for the money with the kind of festive and merry-making extravagance we put on come December. Some even start adorning their houses as early as November. Yep, we do holidays big there.

I'm more surprised because, it seems to me like the only holidays people [and I do mean all people here, excluding the context of race and multicultural backgrounds] give emphasis to are: New Year's Eve, St. Patrick's Day, Victoria Day, Canada Day, Thanksgiving and Halloween. I mean, Canadians' concept of celebrating is along the lines of: throwing a huge dinner party, or spending a whole hell of a lot on costume and candies, and for the grown-ups, going to bars and clubs downtown and getting smashed. Yep, that's how they do holidays here: partying it up with a good vodka buzz.

It's not that I have problems with that, I mean hey, that's their thing. I'm just in awe of how ignored or brushed off Christmas is. Granted Christmas is a celebration introduced by Christians, it is not only limited to us. Anyone can celebrate Christmas. I mean, for crying out loud it's the spirit of giving and peace to all mankind. I believe all people regardless of what faith, religion, race and background they're from believe in the good of man right? Anyhow, I guess I'd have to get le boyfriend used to all the merry-making garb and festivities we Pinoys are known for come the yuletide season.

'Tis the season indeed to be merry.

After A Long Hiatus

The bitch is back! LOL. Oh yeah, I'm back and I've got plenty of juicy gossip for you! Yes you, who's been so diligently and patiently waiting to read any updates on this almost forgotten blog. LOL. Wow. Talk about major grandiose delusions! LOL. Kidding aside, a lot of things have seriously happened since God knows when. Of course, as you can see and probably gather, my head's in the clouds right now and I just seem to mumble on and on. So before I get carried away, I'm just here to happily report that I'd be venturing on a new life soon. What this means for me and for all of you who want to know, well stay in tuned for my next post. LOL.

Big Girls Don't Cry

It's been a long time since I last posted an entry and apartment-hunting has taken its toll on me. Glad to say after checking out 10 prospective areas, I've managed to shrink the list down to four: two along the West end, 1 close to Lakeshore and 1 along the East part of the city close to Scarborough. As far as the neighborhoods go, they're pretty much conducive, quiet and family-oriented. The best part is that most of these units accept pre-authorized payment options which makes things a hell of a lot easier when it comes to making payments. It's pretty much TTC accessible whether by bus, street car or train and also very convenient. Banks, laundromats, delis and food stores/shops are close by. I guess I'm pretty lucky considering such places are available for me. Granted they're bachelor pads meaning compacted space, at least I'll have a roof over my head that I could call my own. Then I'll have peace of mind because I'd be able to manage my own household and actually know where my money goes to. I'm really looking forward to a better living situation.

When it comes to making the rent though, I hope I get approved for that. I mean, it's sweet and all that le boyfriend's lending me money for that, which reminds me I have to pay him back in three paycheck's time. Got to make a mental note of that. So, as far as rent goes I'm covered for first and last month. This is really it, I'm doing this. Living on my own. I'm not gonna lie though, the thought scares me a little because I'd have only myself to depend on now but if this is the price I have to pay in exchange for peace of mind, I'd gladly do so without any regrets. Besides, it's time to grow up and be an adult. This is the first step to independence.

To you Mum and whoever else's reading this entry:

Whether you know me personally or not, I hope you begin to understand why I've chosen to move out of that living situation. I know I've made many wrong choices in the past which I am not so proud of, but these mistakes have enabled me to grow and fully mature as a person. I know what I want and I know what I should do. Please learn to trust me in whatever I choose to do and whichever direction I choose to take. I'm doing this not only for my sake, but for you as well.

I cannot begin to describe what it's like living with him. It's frustrating, stressful and downright infuriating. He cannot support himself. Heck, for the seven months I've stayed in Canada I've been the only one supporting both of us: paying the rent, bills and what have you. I'm tired. I couldn't get the CRNE preparations started because I always ran out of money. He's relied on me so much and it's high time I move out and spread my wings.

I love you Mum, but just because I have a Canadian boyfriend, on the process of moving out and getting a place of my own, doesn't mean my priorities have changed. I know what I want, what I have to do to get that and what's best for the family. I'm trying to build a safe and secure environment before May Ann comes here. I don't want her go through what I went through. I want her to live with me. Dad is unfit to live with, cannot support himself and causes unnecessary stress. It isn't a healthy living situation. Trust me in this.

There have been a lot of things been going on that you don't know about. There have been times when he would come home dead drunk in the middle of the night, sometimes at dawn and wake me up, fully aware that I have to go to work the following day. He hasn't been paying rent regularly when I give him the money to. Bills haven't been paid and I don't know what's going on with the money I've been giving him. Masyado na siyang dumedepende saken. It's not supposed to be like this Ma.

I love you. I'm moving out and I'll let you know as soon as I get settled. I hope you guys understand.

Son of a Gun

Cannot believe she's got an asshole for a dad. Seriously, what else do you want from me? I love him. He was there when they rushed me to the hospital. He stayed with me for almost 15 hours and even made sure I was safe and well enough to take me home. He has become more of a father to me than you ever could you selfish backstabbing son of a bitch! He made sure I was okay. How dare you speak so lowly of him and malign his reputation with every bit of slander and poison you could get your hands and mouth on just to destroy his image in the eyes of Mum? What has he ever done to you? Can't you get it through your big fat greasy head that he loves me? He loves me and he's sticking by me. Heck, you're such an ungrateful motherfucker! You don't even give him credit for taking care of me that time while you were at home, waiting to catch a ride!

I love him and there's nothing you could say that will change that no matter how hard you try. Even if Mum chooses to side with you, I don't friggin' care. I'm sticking by him. You could say what you want but at the end of the day, I'm still moving out. I can't be in this fucked up situation any longer. Mum put up with your shit for 23 years but I'm not her. And this isn't helping me at all, it just unnecessary stress that you guys put me through. I'm done. Disown me all you want, hate me for all eternity but I have to take care of myself too. I need to get the hell away as far from you as possible for me to keep my sanity. This I gotta do for myself.

The Hauntings

Another weird dream involving strange men and abductions haunted me last night and I found myself waking up at dawn, sweating in the sweltering heat of summer as I tried to push back whatever ghastly scenes I've seen and will myself back to sleep. I lay there seemingly restless, my body wanted sleep but my mind had a will of its own. The harder I tried to calm myself down, the more vivid the images came to mind. This may sound childish to some since it was all but a dream, but it really the scared the shit out of me. I mean for three consecutive nights now, I've been having the same nightmare. It's like on replay.

It starts off with me lining up to get on the bus. As I wait for my turn, I notice strange men in black ogling me. One looked like he knew who I was and requested to see an ID. I showed him my health card since I had it on hand [I don't know why]. He looked at me then to the picture on my health card then to me again then shot a look at him companion. This other guy comes out of nowhere and all of a sudden grabs me by the arm and says, "miss you better come with us. Be silent and don't say a word."

Shocked, I initially went with them until I felt this ominous feeling bubble up deep down and as soon as I found a way to break free, I ran as fast as I could. I remember leaving my bag behind and all I had on me was my laptop, purse and jacket. They were running after me. I kept yelling for help but nobody seemed to hear my pleas. Everyone in the terminal [it seemed like one] went about their usual business, no one even noticed me running for my life as four strange men came after me. I tried yelling louder and louder and louder until I woke up. This was the first night I had this dream.

The following [night] dream pretty much started off the same way, except this time they actually abduct me and they take me to their leader. I am able to narrowly escape, except this time I only had my purse with me. I get to a subway station as soon as I get into the train, the doors close. I thought I was safe but it seemed like the strange men knew where I was going because at the next stop, as soon as I get off they spot me again. The running ensues and I wake up gasping for air.

Last night was different. Although it started pretty much the same as it did the first night, they actually catch up to me this time and this huge black guy asks me a very strange question. I guess he was the big boss because everyone seemed to be scared of him. He looked down at me, his eyes as black as coal and asked me again. This time, I hear myself saying I know nothing and don't have [whatever it was they were looking for] on me. I even said, "go ahead and strip search me if you like. I don't know what you're talking about." He must've liked the suggestion because as soon as I uttered the word strip, he snapped his fingers and his men took to a strange room, ripped my clothes off me until I only had my bottom underwear left. He [big ugly black boss] starts touching my body, caressing me as big fat tears roll down my cheeks. I remember pleading and crying and yelling but no one seems to hear me, and then... I wake up.

Keeping It Real

I had difficulty sleeping last night. Well, that's an understatement actually. I had trouble dozing off for the past two weeks. I mean I've been having strange dreams lately concerning weddings and getting abducted by strange men. I don't know why I keep getting those nightmares this week. Should I read into it or learn to shake it off?

Anyhow, last night was different though. Thoughts of current events swirled in my head and kept me up, pondering the night away. One particular thought puzzled me. I know what Amit or Eric would say, that I was overanalyzing things again, digging meaning to every word reading in between the lines. A really bad habit of mine but last night, hard as I've tried to put myself to sleep and not obsess about this one sentence, something deep down kept gnawing at me. Eating my insides and I knew there was no way I would be able to brush it off. And so, for 3 and half hours I lay awake, staring into the vacant space such as one would in a trance.

What is this thought, this one line that would bother me so and keep me up for 3 hours you ask? Simple really, six words. Six-friggin'-words that have rocked the very core of my being. I don't want to lose you. Thinking about it even now, sends chills down my spine. I have to pause and take a breather just having to type it right now.

As melodramatic as it sounds, I've never ever considered [heck even dreamed in my wildest of wildest dreams] to hear those six words from you. Never. After all, four failed relationships and a broken engagement later would have surely disillusioned one into thinking it would ever be possible to find someone who'd be willing enough to stick it through and actually have the gall [gut and balls] to confess just how much one would factor in the other's life. It just didn't seem to occur to me that someone like you would be capable of doing such a thing, let alone say it out loud.

It took me by surprise not because I refuse to see myself with you but because I don't think it plausible to stay together or even hope to stay together [suicidal instinct that would shatter me once things end badly] for such a long period of time. Remember once we talked about seeing ourselves three years down the road? That conversation we had kept bugging me. Although it thrills me to think, nay even consider, you wanting to be with me for that long, I must also face reality. I mean, people change and that's a known fact. As time passes, we too get older and our needs and desires change as well. This might help me get my point across.

I guess what I'm saying is, actually asking from you is to refrain from saying those things to me. Please understand that although I appreciate the sentiment you wanted to get across, I would rather not hear of such things for fear that later on I might hold onto it. Do acknowledge the fact that as a female, I too tend to put too much stock in every word you say. It's just one of the pitfalls of our species. Tell me you love to such an extent but please do not lead me to believe otherwise. Please, that is all I ask.

A Dialogue

What's wrong with me? Seriously, for some reason when things are going as smooth as they could get I seem to always manage to do something totally unnecessary and screw up? Why? I mean, what is my deal? Why can't I just for once let things happen and be happy? Why? Because happiness is overrated my dear, it doesn't exist. You might think you're happy but we both know what we want. We want more. We want every thing, the friggin' fairytale storybook romance complete with Prince Charming on his mighty stead, riding brave and proud to rescue you out of your misery. We both want that. We want what we can't have or don't have. We're just not content with being plain happy.

That isn't what I want, I just want to be me. That's bullshit. We both know you want more. You want to be with Carlo and Amit because they both hold a certain fascination to you. The different facets of your being demand to be fulfilled and you can't, nay refuse to even choose. You want both. We want both.

But that isn't fair, and besides, I cannot be selfish because I, for one, am opposed to sharing. True, you are opposed to sharing with someone else but in actuality you relish the idea of having two people in your life and you'd rather not settle for secondbest.We both know you love Amit's spontaneity and vivacious bubbly personality yet you also crave Carlo's practicality and the technical perspective on things. They both inspire you to accomplish things you'd otherwise do because they spark within you a light that gives you hope and motivates you to move on amid the darkness surrounding you.Since Day One, we both know you haven't made your choice. You're just going through the motions and letting things fall into place and now that they have, you're unhappy.

That is NOT TRUE. I am happy. Then why break up such a beneficial union with Amit? Because... Because what? Do you honestly think you can lie to me? My dear, try as you may we both know you wont be able to come up with an answer that makes sense. He was correct in saying you push people away. We both push people away, that's how we cope. We're scared to be alone yet also scared to be smothered. We want someone to love us the way we love them yet we feel restrained at times and relish the thought of absolute freedom. If we both go on like this, we both might miss the chance for real and genuine happiness. Do you get me?

Let the moment pass you by... Exactly. You don't want to be in that position, do you? You don't want to be Julia Roberts in My Bestfriend's Wedding, right? No. I know I love Amit. Of course you do, yet you also love Carlo still. Choose my dear. Or better yet, just try to be happy. Just be happy with Amit. He loves you. You know this, we both do. So stop pushing him away.

But what about those dreams? Pay heed to the caution but live in the moment. As far as we're both concerned, that hasn't happened yet. We'll cross the bridge when we get there. For now, I urge you to be happy. Give your relationship with Amit a chance. You might never know, life sometimes surprises you in more ways than you can imagine. We both deserve to be happy.

Who The Hell Do You Think You Are?

WTF. Can't you guys just leave me alone? Haven't I done enough for you? Why can't you just let me be? It's  bad enough that I have to save your ass every time you can't make rent, now, you sidetrack people into taking your side by telling me who I should and should not date? Who the fuck are you? Last time I checked you abandoned us. You left us what, almost starving in 2004? I almost had to give up school because Mum could barely afford it. Please save me all the bullshit. You can't even support me, let alone feed me. You're a pathetic excuse for a man.

Fuck you. Lumaki ako na wala ka, di kita kelangan. Wala ka na ngang ginawang mabuti para sa pamilyang 'to, saken mo pa ipapasa responsibilities mo. You fucking go to hell. I don't care. I'm moving out. So sick and tired of cleaning up your mess. You did this to us. You cheated on Mum. You cohabited with that whore of a mistress and showered that bastard child every little fucking luxury you could afford. You starved your own family, abandoned your kids and your wife for the cheap thrills of sex. May asawa na nga't lahat lahat, nagawa mo pang patusin. Ibang klase ka talagang hayup ka. Di ka pa marunong mahiya saken. Ikaw na may 12 years na dito sa Canada, hanggang ngayon wala pa ring ipon; ni walang maipagmalaking napundar. 

Ano? Tigas din naman ng mukha mo na pagsabihan ako. Nakakahiya mga pinaggagagawa ko? Anong mas nakakahiya aber? Yung kumapit sa babaeng puta na samu't sari ang kinakalantari? O makipagdate sa lalaking single, walang asawa at matino ang pag-iisip? Huwag kang magmalinis dahil alam nating dalawa na mas masahol ka pa sa hayop. You have no fucking right to dictate what I should and shouldn't do. You are no fucking role model. Fuck off SOB. Leave me the hell alone.

I am so moving out after this. Cut me off [from the family] if you have to. I refuse to deal with this shit anymore. This is the last straw asshole.

The Nearness of You

This is weird. Wherever I seem to go, you always manage to catch up with me. Well, not the actual you but in the form of something or someone that either reminds me a lot about you or actually looks like you. Let me explain. During the course of le boyfriend's absence at Vox [he has caught viral pharyngitis] this week, a guy from inbound [I've only noticed him walking around and about on the floor a couple of days ago] who seemed to be newly hired passes by my cubicle.

Normally I don't give guys a second look, not intentionally of course but this dude was different. Yesterday he sported a purple shirt and wore his hair up [Asian style] and looked so much like him, I couldn't stop myself from staring whenever he passed by. It was uncanny the way he resembled and reminded me of Carlo. From the hair style down to the height and the built, he could be mistaken for a clone or a twin. The only difference I could spot were the shape of his eyes and the neatness of how brows. How convenient as well for this person to pop up especially at a time where le boyfriend is nowhere in sight. I don't know, perhaps Fate is screwing with me as she always seem to do.

I must admit though. His presence gave me a lot to think about. I know months have passed since that fateful day, but it's not that easy to put asunder. Suffice to say, it takes more than 6 months to leave it all behind. As Idris Elba said in Obsessed, [I can't believe I'm quoting his characted in the movie by the way] you have to keep moving forward. Whatever the problems in life, always move forward. True. True. Move along.

Caught Up In The Whirlwind

Tonight I pour my heart out. No excuses this time, no sense in putting this off. I think I've made quite a complete fool of myself these past few months, getting involved rather too quickly I must say and now karma's biting me in the ass. Tonight, I face my fears head on and confront every single memory that has haunted me. Tonight, I say goodbye to you.

I must admit I've been having doubts for a long time now and tonight, my instincts have proven me right. And as much as this hurts me, I have to let go. I'm sorry. Do believe me when I say this, it's not you. It's me. I just can't function this way, always having to feel vulnerable, scared of being alone and hurt. I'm sorry but this is for the best. I love you and I don't want to hurt you, but I have to love myself more this time. I have no one but me to rely on, and for that I am virtually and in essence, alone. For the most part, I want to thank you. You have been nothing but kind and nice and caring to me. I doubt you'll stay single for long and trust me on this, you deserve someone better. As dramatic as this may sound, I'm setting you free. Go  and find your happiness.

***Disclaimer: This was written as a rant, and is therefore, considered by the blogger as nothing more than a necessary outburst of emotion. A venting process if you will, to address certain concerns that have been plaguing her mind for the past week. Just the subconscious talking.

The Juggling Act

Is it just me? Or has time really passed by quickly and before you know it, June has come? LOL. I know, I've been way too busy lately I haven't had the time to actually update you with all the juicy tidbits that have been going on for the past month. For one, work has become bearable again as every one gears up for the new call list to start. Some agents from RRA were switched to PA and the team grows by the week. Every one's punching in numbers for the group and generally doing okay. The only sad part is our TL Thierry is still a slave-driving prick who constantly badgers us with pressured sales every single day. On a lighter note though, I've learned to adapt to his ways and just take every thing in stride. No use to get worked up with someone who has the emotional intelligence of a squash right? And as long as he leaves me alone, then we should be fine.

As for my personal life, well let's just say things are getting very interesting. Amit is wonderful. I think I'm way more into him than I expected and the crazy part is, he's into me too. Get this, he said HE LOVES ME and not just once but well, countless times now. I mean, who would've thought he'd feel that way towards me as well? Certainly never expected nor have even forseen this happen. He is surprisingly sweet and expressive. He showers me with displays of affection that could rival that of the Olympics. I'm telling you, this dude could kiss up a frenzy. His lips do mean business. LOL. 

I could say this though, and I don't even care if he gets to read it, I may not say it much but I love him. I love him to a point that it scares me sometimes because it makes me feel vulnerable, pathetic and weak. I hate feeling this way and actually allowing him into my life means giving him the power to hurt me and yet still trust him not to. And this is the part where he asks me to trust him, the same way he seems to trust me. See my dilemma there? LOL.

(To be continued...)

Fairly Brittle

I don't know what's wrong with me today. What the fuck is my problem! Why am I stressing on this minor detail when I should be more focused on achieving my own set of goals? I have my nursing exam to look forward. This isn't working for me. I'm losing interest. What the hell is wrong with me! This is not about Dad anymore, or the crappy job at Vox although both have added undue stress these past few days. I feel like I'm being pulled into all directions and nearing my limit too. Like I'm about to reach the breaking point and I don't know if I can make it through in one piece. It doesn't help at all worrying about A and his situation at work as well. I feel like everything at the moment is consuming me and I can't breathe. I can't breathe. What is this, quarter-life crisis? I mean, c'mon I'm barely in mid-twenties and already I'm closer to burnout than most 25 year-olds.

I guess I care so much about things that I just have to learn to let go and just allow life to happen. I mean for the longest time I've been fighting to make things happen for myself and now, I think I should just take a backseat and let life drive. Worrying and stressing about these things really consume me. Going against the tide and resisting natural forces don't sit well with me. Heck, it doesn't work at all. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm letting life take charge for now. I'll still stress out about the nursing exam but other than that, I''ll just go with the flow wherever my feet may take me.

The Big Move

Move in with me. It's the the most logical thing to do. We both get away from the [unnecessary] stress with our parents and I know I love snuggling and hanging out with you. So why not move in? Honestly, waking up beside you every morning is a great way to start the day! What I'm saying is, give it a thought. I'd really love for us to move in together.

As we were strolling along the corner of St. John and Stephanie Street, he finds this quiet community park nestled among shady poplars hidden in the concrete jungle. It was a typical community park, except it was located with just a few meters from Downtown T.O. which was a good thing by the way. Think of it as living somewhere along Global City only actually closer to Makati. We sit on the bench and enjoy the cool breeze as dusk was settling in.

I like it here. This looks like a good neighborhood to live in. I'm pretty sure that [building/high rise apartment] has elevators.Hmm. What do you think? Would you want to live here?

I give him a quizzical look and quickly addressed the fact that the thought has never crossed my mind. I mean seriously to move in with him is a huge thing, not only with my family. I panicked a little, tried to buy time by stalling with a, "why would you ask me? Why would my opinion matter?"

I mean, if we were hypothetically to live together, would you be okay with this area? What do you think? I'm asking your opinion. I mean, look. It's close to Downtown and the TTC, and it's more cost effective to actually move in together because you'd be able to save up for your nursing exam instead of worrying with paying the rent and all the bullshit crap your dad subjects you to paying. Plus, I know I want to be with you and actually hang out with you so moving in together satisfies those goals. 

He did have a valid argument and the proposal is tempting. However, I'm too much of a chickenshit to say yes because of the implications saying yes might mean for my family. My parents would either kill me or disown me. I don't even think Mum would understand even if she found out what has been happening recently with Pop and I. 

It's all about the money. He expects me to pay for every bloody bill in the house including rent! I mean, hello! I make between $600-800 before taxes so I don't have the capacity to actually do that. I have my Visa bill to worry about enough as it is. He expects me to pay for every bloody bill while he loafs around and just goes about the house as he pleases. Stupid lazy ass! And every one expects me to SAVE? How the fuck is that possible huh? Plus when I have company [i.e. le boyfriend] over he makes a huge fuss about it. What the fuck! Seriously, I can consider this my place because as earlier established I actually pay for the place: food, bills, rent, hydro - you name it, i pay for it. It's just under his name but it's my money. My hard-earned money that I get called on for whenever I go out on dates with le boyfriend.

I really want you to [move in]. I think I love you. I mean, I love spending time with you and hanging out. I love kissing you, snuggling with you, holding you close. I can't get enough of you.If this isn't love, then you tell me. I  do love you. Do you love me?

Then my heart goes on overdrive and I find myself absentmindedly nodding. What a relief to finally hear him say those words! Sometimes life surprises you and you're just right where you belong, in the safe and loving arms of someone who actually cares for you.

Hakuna Matata

Chest pains are getting worse as the stress on this campaign increases. It doesn't help either that my TL is an arrogant obnoxious asshole who cares more about punching in numbers than he does for his agents. I loathe him. Called in sick today. Must see a doctor soon enough. I just hope it's nothing serious though, le boyfriend is worried enough as it is.

The L-Word

To be beloved is all I need,

And whom I love, I love indeed.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge(1772-1834)

How apt the quotation is for today. As usual, le boyfriend came over last night [as he had the previous nights, he's becoming quite a regular fixture in the house. I don't think Pop would've minded anyhow] and we were snuggling on the couch as we normally would, watching flicks from trusty old Mac. I fed him Pancit and Orange Chicken, well what's left of it anyway, for dinner as we cozied up once more and started talking. He is amazing, as boyfriends go but there's something about him that really stands out from the other dudes I've dated. With him, it's easy, effortless; he makes me feel comfortable to certain extent where I can be myself and not worry. Well, at least that's what he tells me although I still do tend to worry a lot. LOL. The comfort level between us has reached to a point where I feel like I could be completely honest with him. Heck, I even talk to him about my ambivalent thoughts towards Number 4. It sounds cruel I know, but he presses me to go on. He warrants complete honesty. No illusions or lies, but just honest brutal truth no matter how ugly or hurtful it is.

Last night though as he read the previous blog entry, I honestly thought he would get up and leave or get pissed about it. Instead he read it intently, calmly, looked at me straight in the eye and asked me, "do you want to know if I love you or not?" Caught offguard and surprised, I found myself staring dead straight and could not even look at him. I mean, all this time I thought he had reservations as to using the L-word and last night, I was proven wrong. He waited for my answer, took my hand and pressed it gently. I stalled for a while, thinking of a better way of putting things. He was waiting, so I finally caved and gave a weak, "yes?" His reply was unexpected. For a moment there, I actually sat motionless, still staring into dead space as I listened to the words that were coming out of his mouth. Open-mouthed, I think he was aware of how surprised I was and although his response wasn't perfect or what I wanted to hear, it was at the very least acceptable. There was a varying degree of truth in it.

He said he didn't know what LOVE is and that he could not tell whether or not what he felt toward me deserved the word. He continued by recounting that most of his fundamental years were spent watching TV and that his parents as busy as they were, weren't the best examples of it. He claims he grew up not knowing what constitutes love and how best to discern whether you love someone. He then reassured me that although he can't say that he loves me because he doesn't know what LOVE is, he knows these things for a fact: he loves being around me. If he could have his way, he'd be with me every day and night. He can't stop and won't kissing me. He wants me, needs me. If that doesn't merit love, then I don't know what is. 

The Veil Has Been Lifted

Once the illusion wears off only two things are bound to happen: either you wake up and discern reality was a far better place to be in or you fall flat, face first and realize what a stupid web you've found yourself tangled into. So which one would it be? After having the talk with A, and going through that last entry in Tabs, an epiphany burst forth and then there was clarity. As I pondered further last night, evaluating and reevaluating how far this thing [we have] has come, the realization hit me in the face so hard it knocked me off my feet. I had to lie down for quite some time before I could piece out the words. Okay, that may have sounded a tad dramatic, but I always seem to have a flair for that. LOL.

I think that whatever this thing is [with A], it's more loosely based on physical attraction. I'm not saying it's possible not to go further than that given a shared level of trust and intimacy, however, the chances of this transitioning into a full-blown relationship [in my terms] are slim. We have different sets of values and norms that govern our morals, but that isn't the issue here. I think it stems mostly from the fact that the North American culture has developed a widely prevalent stigma surrounding the use of the L-word. People living on this side of the pond have difficulty articulating and are very apprehensive about it, which is kind of ironic in itself because the displays of affection more often than not speak volumes of the emotion behind them, whether it be lust or love driving it. So, why is it difficult to tell rather than show? Verbalization is the key in any relationship, that's basically how we communicate. We speak and an exchange of thoughts occur. Mankind would not have survived if not for communication, let alone verbalization which is also the fundamental, very core of any language and culture. Alrighty. might have gone too intellectual on that front. Now, on to the topic. 

A relationship for me is more than physical attraction given that there is a shared level of intimacy surrounding it. With that being said, I cannot consider this thing we have as a relationship since there hasn't been any verbal declaration on both parties. We may use the labels boyfriend-girlfriend but unless there is some form of verbal declaration, then we are just exclusively dating and hold no claim whatsoever to each other. Saying those three words and eight letters is fairly easy in the Filipino culture, we articulate it more often than not whether we truly mean it or use it as some form of a cruel sick joke. My point is, we say it regardless and knowing all that, and your slight aversion to the topic on hand, made me think twice. Perhaps I've been hasty as well on this aspect, and a reevaluation must be warranted on my part.

(To be continued...)

Boyfriend-Girlfriend And The Exclusions

How weird is it that I find myself not so much into using labels to define the current relationship I have with A, and him wanting to take things a step further into exclusivity by using labels to delineate his territory? LOL. I don't know what's the matter with me and labels, I used to be so into them. Now, it feels like I've outgrown them or something. Or maybe, I'm just not in that stage yet where I feel the need and comfort to use such terms of endearment. I guess one could say that I've grown quite cynical to it given the string of unsuccessful relationships in the past. It's not so much about the exclusivity that unnerves me, rather the probability that this might end up badly and I've to regain a sense of self and rebuild my world. I want to avoid any complexity until I fully heal from the past hurt.

I hate to admit this, but I still think about and have dreams of Number 4. Like today, I woke up at 5:17 in the morning literally a few minutes prior to sunrise and the first thought that came to mind was him. Despite the current relationship status characterized by the easy-breezy nature I have with A, Number 4 seems to always pop in my head every so often. Nostalgia perhaps? I don't know. A has been such a sweetheart about it, he's been so gracious with the fact that it's okay for me to talk about it. He's amazing. I know you'll be reading this soon enough, now don't get cocky! 

I guess what I'm saying is, anxiety's getting the best of me. I'm at a point where I'm cowering and could not even muster to express how I truly feel. No, it's not compromising to an extent nor settling. I just feel like there's something vital missing in the relationship dynamic. Something which would elucidate things for me. Fuck. I can't even say it out loud. 

In Too Deep

Perturbed and I can't help feeling it's my fault. Last night, an altercation ensued between A and his dad because of my unwanted presence in the building. As ironic as it sounds, both of our dads are racially biased and could not tolerate our liking for one another. As Eric put it, a regular case of the Montagues and Capulets hating each other's guts. And the truth of the matter is, I don't actually know what to feel about it. What I can tell you though is that I feel really uncomfortable having to witness that last night and having A kicked out of the house because of his preference to hang out and date a non-Hindu girl. Don't get me wrong, I think it's kind of sweet the way he actually positioned things in regards to the way he feels towards me and his pop's racial biases, it's just a little too much. Again, as Eric has said infantile in the sense that it feels like getting way caught up into things over our head.

It is pretty noble, I must admit and the fact that we've only been going steady just under a month? It's kind of endearing. It makes me want to think that A's the real deal despite our inability to communicate which I must be accountable for. He adheres to a self inflicted dose of veracity where he'd rather hear the truth no matter how ugly, perverse or thwarted it may be, and that I love about him. He makes me want to believe that I am worthy enough to be taken care of, let alone get noticed. He makes me feel attractive and sexy, as he says I ought to be. Funny, isn't it? But for the first time, I actually feel my deflated self worth get back into shape; that somehow I've regained a sense of my own innate hotness. LOL. I am such a deluded moron.

A lot of events have taken place lately, mainly at work with the uneventual dismissal of our beloved TL Kamran with whom I've worked with from the good old RVG days to RRA. He was the best TL in the team and alwats rallied his troops through all the ups and downs in the campaign, and with him gone at Vox it just doesn't feel the same. I hate the way the upper echelon [which comprised by the way of blasted pompous arrogant pricks] handled the situation. An incident arose a day before that some leeches took advantage of and which poor Kam fell for. Four agents were suspended for miscoding calls and instead of appropriately punishing the concerned, the bloodsucking parasites fed on this opportunity to get ahead in terms of career advancement and gotten rid of Kam instead. It doesn't make any sense though, he wasn't even given due process. I feel for the fellow. And my TL sucks by the way, I hate him to the core because he is one helluva slave-driver. What an insensitive SOB, he held a pizza party literally the day after Kam was let go.

I know, I'm ranting here. Must also be because a lot of people have been leaving work. I mean, the longer I stay there, the crappier I feel about myself having to say that pretentious BS every single day just so huge corporations could milk people out of their hard-earned money. It sickens me. 

(To be continued...)

Going Steady And The Privileges It Entails

I'm happy. Well, not entirely but I'm glad to say that the recent status change has brought out a lot of the old me. I guess you haven't heard the news? We've managed to keep it hush-hush for some time now but I'm positive as soon as he walks in by Saturday, everyone's bound to notice the difference. So what's bothering me about it? Well for starters, the way A showers me with PDA [which I'm so opposed to, by the way] is a tad too much for my taste. PDA in reference to my culture meant some handholding and a few pecks [mouth or cheek, take your pick] involved but none of the groping and tongue-tugging kisses which seem to be the norm in western culture. Exclusively dating someone also entitles one a claim to certain privileges [sex, for example] that a naive virginal girl like me would find scandalously inappropriate, let alone give in to.

It's not that I don't like where we're going because I do like the fact that you're opening up to me after a year or so of total seclusion. The fact that you're sharing things with me, bits and pieces of your dark past mystifies me. Trusting me alone after getting to know me for just under 4 months is a huge step on your part. I understand that. It's just where we're heading to that scares me a little, knowing you're hoping to claim that privilege someday. Time and again you say you're not pressuring me. But as each day passes, the intensity and passion you put into those kisses grow exponentially. And I wouldn't want that. Sex isn't just sex for me. It actually means something because not only do you share yourself physically in the act, you're actually allowing yourself to be one with the other in a spiritual sense. Two becoming one, perfectly complementing the other in the act of complete submission. 

I guess what I'm saying is, the fact that you're looking forward to it scares me. It does. And as much as I like you, I could give NOT in to that. I'm not ready. Not at all. I'm not even going to use having been declined twice as an excuse. Sounds like a downer isn't it? Well, I suggest you take a step back and reconsider your options. You have plenty of time before we  get way in too deep.

The Trouble With Brutal Honesty And Coming Clean

Proof that truth is over-rated: sharing a piece of info about your past that might potentially destroy you to someone you thought could be trusted only to have him blow it up to your face in tirades. It's not betrayal neither deception since every one is entitled to their own opinion and one shouldn't begrudge them against that. It feels like having cold water thrown at you, except in this case it's freezing water bursting forth with intensity such as that coming from a fireman's truck?

Sophocles once said, "the truth is always the strongest argument." And he may very well be onto something there but during the course of my 22-year existence on Earth, I've come to realize that people subscribe to their own dose of veracity to such an extent that you can never get to really know a person, let alone figure them out completely. I thought I could read you. I guess I was wrong. I apologize.

I did not mean to offend you in anyway. I genuinely felt like you were a nonjudgmental kindred spirit in a sense, that I could trust you at a certain level so much that I could even tell you anything about me for you to be able to have a clear grasp of why I am who I am today. I want you to get to know me, the real ME behind the nice sweet girl facade every one's so used to seeing. I wanted to let you in in that circle of trust. And I'm sorry for taking things the wrong way as you put it. My feelings were hurt, how was I supposed to react? I know you meant well but then again, you didn't spare a minute to even fish for details as to why those series of unfortunate events did happen. You just went on and on about my sheer stupidity and lack of ability to discern which is conversation-material and which skeleton should be left in the closet so to speak. So excuse me if I'm hurt and very disappointed with the negativity you demonstrated when I was in a sense sharing a piece of me.

The flipside to this though is at least now I have a better idea whom to trust and whom not to. I'm not saying I can never trust or talk to you again about things like those but it's put things into a perspective where I do need to take accountability with the things I say to people and also gauge how they'd react. I apologize for the lack of hindsight there. It was wrong of me as well to even consider trusting you that much.

(To be continued...)

With Or Without Me

This is one of the many reasons why I refuse to go on. Why I say NO. Why we can never be together in that sense. As much as I like you and love spending time with you, I can never be too certain if every thing you profess or do for me is a genuine reflection of how you feel about me. Time and again, you've said you liked me. That I'm always on your mind and you're attracted to me. You say all these things and do all these things that give me enough reason to want to hope that they're real. Yet as soon as I do, I witness things that mildly disappoint me which lead to other things that accumulate over time and then frustration sets in. Yes, I don't know why I feel this way and I don't even hold any claim on you. It sucks and I feel the need to repel any act or gesture of affection from you and towards you. How do I best explain it without sounding destitute? I am neither emulous nor covetous but I do feel some form of begrudging to an extent that I sometimes resent myself for it. I can't even comprehend why I feel this way at all given the fact that I'm not into labels, let alone define whatever we have.

I really do not comprehend where all this is coming from and how strong the surge of emotions drowning me right now I can barely keep level. I need to be rational about this. I have got to be for my sake. I guess, the best thing is to do is to distance myself for now and see what happens. There have been waterworks in the past and the last thing I need is a repeat performance. I do hope you find the strength in you to quit smoking soon, with or without me. Enjoy.

To Open Up Or Not To Open Up, That Is The Question?

OMG. You talked about me? At a family gathering? Why? Do I really mean that much to you? Seriously, I could not believe nor even fathom in my wildest dreams that you'd talk about me to your estranged family, let alone even mention my name and [the country] where I'm from. This is a HUGE thing: you talking to them about these things, so excuse me if I express a level of shock and apprehension to a certain degree. It just seems like things are moving way too fast for me to even sink in. You tell me things like I influence you in a good way, and, actually calm you down a bit. You said you actually enjoyed hanging around family, for the first time and actually felt the whole "family-vibe" [the wanting to stick around them and hang out] thing. That's great! Then you say it's all on me? Like I was the catalyst that made you see things in a different light? I don't know how to react that. I may have helped at some point, but it was all you. All you, and that's good! I love the fact that you're slowly opening up to them and finally looking at things in a better perspective.

However, I don't know how to feel about that. I mean, I know I shouldn't make a fuss about it because they asked and like you said, you did mention that in passing. Then again, you don't usually talk about these things so that stresses me out a little. I don't think I'm prepared to go into a relationship yet given the circumstance we're in right now. Don't get me wrong though, I like you immensely. You amuse me and I enjoy spending time with you. But most times, I feel like I have to keep my guard up because I feel like a soap bubble around you. Extremely vulnerable and helpless whenever you're around. I don't know why I feel that way, I just do. It's frustrating on my part because I want to be completely honest with you but then my filter clicks into gear and well, thoughts get screened before I say them out loud. I feel the urgency of being cautious around you. I know it's unfair and a load of BS to you because you are neither Gef nor Carlo. Then again please understand the need to shelter myself against any one or thing that might potentially hurt me in the long run.

I guess the question I have to answer is whether to trust you or not; whether to let you in in my life. To be perfectly honest, I don't know how to address this thought because as earlier suggested, I have trust issues [mainly with men, i.e. my dad, Gef and Carlo] and this is something that only time can resolve. So the next query would be, and I'm not imposing this on you in any way, do you think that the attraction you have for me is strong enough to warrant an indefinite waiting period? Give it a thought or two, then get back to me. Otherwise, I would not want to be wasting your time. That sounds a little exigent but I do have to know. 

Through The Lens

OMG. I am in love. Seriously in love. I don't know why but I've got to have him. Introducing my new obsession, the Nikon D60 SLR kit with new AF-S DX NIKKOR 18-55 mm f/3.5-5.6G VR lens! The must-have for every frustrated photo blogger/photojournalist, well at least for me! LOL. It's one mean camera that's incredibly compact and boasts a host of user-friendly features which delivers breathtaking picture quality and advanced built-in dust reduction technologies. Hell yeah! I'll be breaking the bank on this one. LOL. It roughly costs about $550 [body only, tax inclusive] but I'm hoping to get the kit [with lens included] which costs about $559 plus tax. I don't compromise. Not at all. LOL.

So what prompted this renewed fascination with digital photography you ask? Simple. These shots of NYC taken by Zhaber and  a group of friends. I love taking pictures of myself and of every one/thing around me.  I am a camwhore by nature but no where near professional yet somehow, this particular shot got to me. I can't explain it. Suddenly I had this urge to take some [shots] myself, somehow to chronicle my life in Toronto with regards to a my revived sense of freedom. Am I making sense here? LOL.

Seriously though, most find digital photography as an alternate avenue  of self expression. A very expensive one at that, I know. However, there are things in life that are best explained  and captured [immortalized rather] in stills than they could ever be in paper. What do I mean by this? I love writing., don't get me wrong. I could write all day about any thing under the sun so long as they interest me. Recent events however have led to resort to others means of self expression as my writing may seem to have offended a group of people who have been hell-bent on seeking revenge against me. 

I'm talking about the unauthorized shutdown of my Friendster and Multiply accounts which I've had for at least 4 years, and the other two blog accounts from Tabulas and Live Journal respectively. Both I've had for at least 7 years. They were taken away from me just like that. All memories gone with a click. It's brutal. I get pretty emotional about these things.

Moving on, this is one of the reasons why I'm getting this baby. LOL. For all to see what it's like to view the world through my eyes, or in this case, lens rather. LOL. Hope I save enough. It's gonna cost me two months pay [I have other obligations]. Keep your fingers crossed. LOL.