Self Worth

Validation, I need some much needed validation. Lately, I feel so worthless. Underappreciated. Unglamorous. It just feels like I have nothing else going for me other than what is obvious. It's like I'm nothing more than just a host.

There is a great example of this in the Bible. The apostle Paul “learned the secret of living in every situation” (Philippians 4:11-13). Self-esteem is an attitude of respect for and contentment with oneself based on the recognition of one’s abilities and acceptance of one’s limitations.

It is impossible for you to conjure up self-worth/esteem yourself. That feeling of happiness in acquiring something is a poor substitute for the true joy of contributing. The pursuit of perfection and approval drives us steadily farther from peace and self-confidence. If we focus our attention on our worldly resources, we will inflate ourselves with pride.

Change happens to all of us. We will experience physical and mental growth, personal experiences, and changing social situations that will affect our identity. Identity is a person’s sense of placement in the world -- that which tethers us to our self-worth. Our identity can easily be over-inflated when our self-worth is miscalculated. It is healthy to remember, as we mature and circumstances change, that we are not bound by how other people evaluate us.

I think I need to love myself more. Take time to care or pamper myself. I know I have a huge responsibility coming up but that doesn't excuse me from taking good care of myself. It sucks that no one understands me, no one gets me, not even you. I think I know what I need to feel good, and if you can't give me that, well I've got myself to depend on and I guess I just have to accept that reality.

Help, Anyone?

Is it too much to ask for your help? All I'm asking you is to walk me through this, I'm scared shitless because this is new territory for me. Not only am I out of my comfort zone, I'm going to deal with people and course/program outlines I do not fully comprehend or understand. I mean, for crying out loud, is it really too difficult to do that for me?

See, you don't know what it feels like for people like me. Sent to a foreign country, left alone to fend for oneself. Hell, trying to understand admission information alone is like deciphering hieroglyphics minus the Rosetta stone. Clearly I need help, and although it may seem all too simple for you, try to see things from my perspective.

Yet you still wonder why I'd prefer to go back. Really?

Big Girls Don't Cry

It's been a long time since I last posted an entry and apartment-hunting has taken its toll on me. Glad to say after checking out 10 prospective areas, I've managed to shrink the list down to four: two along the West end, 1 close to Lakeshore and 1 along the East part of the city close to Scarborough. As far as the neighborhoods go, they're pretty much conducive, quiet and family-oriented. The best part is that most of these units accept pre-authorized payment options which makes things a hell of a lot easier when it comes to making payments. It's pretty much TTC accessible whether by bus, street car or train and also very convenient. Banks, laundromats, delis and food stores/shops are close by. I guess I'm pretty lucky considering such places are available for me. Granted they're bachelor pads meaning compacted space, at least I'll have a roof over my head that I could call my own. Then I'll have peace of mind because I'd be able to manage my own household and actually know where my money goes to. I'm really looking forward to a better living situation.

When it comes to making the rent though, I hope I get approved for that. I mean, it's sweet and all that le boyfriend's lending me money for that, which reminds me I have to pay him back in three paycheck's time. Got to make a mental note of that. So, as far as rent goes I'm covered for first and last month. This is really it, I'm doing this. Living on my own. I'm not gonna lie though, the thought scares me a little because I'd have only myself to depend on now but if this is the price I have to pay in exchange for peace of mind, I'd gladly do so without any regrets. Besides, it's time to grow up and be an adult. This is the first step to independence.

To you Mum and whoever else's reading this entry:

Whether you know me personally or not, I hope you begin to understand why I've chosen to move out of that living situation. I know I've made many wrong choices in the past which I am not so proud of, but these mistakes have enabled me to grow and fully mature as a person. I know what I want and I know what I should do. Please learn to trust me in whatever I choose to do and whichever direction I choose to take. I'm doing this not only for my sake, but for you as well.

I cannot begin to describe what it's like living with him. It's frustrating, stressful and downright infuriating. He cannot support himself. Heck, for the seven months I've stayed in Canada I've been the only one supporting both of us: paying the rent, bills and what have you. I'm tired. I couldn't get the CRNE preparations started because I always ran out of money. He's relied on me so much and it's high time I move out and spread my wings.

I love you Mum, but just because I have a Canadian boyfriend, on the process of moving out and getting a place of my own, doesn't mean my priorities have changed. I know what I want, what I have to do to get that and what's best for the family. I'm trying to build a safe and secure environment before May Ann comes here. I don't want her go through what I went through. I want her to live with me. Dad is unfit to live with, cannot support himself and causes unnecessary stress. It isn't a healthy living situation. Trust me in this.

There have been a lot of things been going on that you don't know about. There have been times when he would come home dead drunk in the middle of the night, sometimes at dawn and wake me up, fully aware that I have to go to work the following day. He hasn't been paying rent regularly when I give him the money to. Bills haven't been paid and I don't know what's going on with the money I've been giving him. Masyado na siyang dumedepende saken. It's not supposed to be like this Ma.

I love you. I'm moving out and I'll let you know as soon as I get settled. I hope you guys understand.

Son of a Gun

Cannot believe she's got an asshole for a dad. Seriously, what else do you want from me? I love him. He was there when they rushed me to the hospital. He stayed with me for almost 15 hours and even made sure I was safe and well enough to take me home. He has become more of a father to me than you ever could you selfish backstabbing son of a bitch! He made sure I was okay. How dare you speak so lowly of him and malign his reputation with every bit of slander and poison you could get your hands and mouth on just to destroy his image in the eyes of Mum? What has he ever done to you? Can't you get it through your big fat greasy head that he loves me? He loves me and he's sticking by me. Heck, you're such an ungrateful motherfucker! You don't even give him credit for taking care of me that time while you were at home, waiting to catch a ride!

I love him and there's nothing you could say that will change that no matter how hard you try. Even if Mum chooses to side with you, I don't friggin' care. I'm sticking by him. You could say what you want but at the end of the day, I'm still moving out. I can't be in this fucked up situation any longer. Mum put up with your shit for 23 years but I'm not her. And this isn't helping me at all, it just unnecessary stress that you guys put me through. I'm done. Disown me all you want, hate me for all eternity but I have to take care of myself too. I need to get the hell away as far from you as possible for me to keep my sanity. This I gotta do for myself.

A Dialogue

What's wrong with me? Seriously, for some reason when things are going as smooth as they could get I seem to always manage to do something totally unnecessary and screw up? Why? I mean, what is my deal? Why can't I just for once let things happen and be happy? Why? Because happiness is overrated my dear, it doesn't exist. You might think you're happy but we both know what we want. We want more. We want every thing, the friggin' fairytale storybook romance complete with Prince Charming on his mighty stead, riding brave and proud to rescue you out of your misery. We both want that. We want what we can't have or don't have. We're just not content with being plain happy.

That isn't what I want, I just want to be me. That's bullshit. We both know you want more. You want to be with Carlo and Amit because they both hold a certain fascination to you. The different facets of your being demand to be fulfilled and you can't, nay refuse to even choose. You want both. We want both.

But that isn't fair, and besides, I cannot be selfish because I, for one, am opposed to sharing. True, you are opposed to sharing with someone else but in actuality you relish the idea of having two people in your life and you'd rather not settle for secondbest.We both know you love Amit's spontaneity and vivacious bubbly personality yet you also crave Carlo's practicality and the technical perspective on things. They both inspire you to accomplish things you'd otherwise do because they spark within you a light that gives you hope and motivates you to move on amid the darkness surrounding you.Since Day One, we both know you haven't made your choice. You're just going through the motions and letting things fall into place and now that they have, you're unhappy.

That is NOT TRUE. I am happy. Then why break up such a beneficial union with Amit? Because... Because what? Do you honestly think you can lie to me? My dear, try as you may we both know you wont be able to come up with an answer that makes sense. He was correct in saying you push people away. We both push people away, that's how we cope. We're scared to be alone yet also scared to be smothered. We want someone to love us the way we love them yet we feel restrained at times and relish the thought of absolute freedom. If we both go on like this, we both might miss the chance for real and genuine happiness. Do you get me?

Let the moment pass you by... Exactly. You don't want to be in that position, do you? You don't want to be Julia Roberts in My Bestfriend's Wedding, right? No. I know I love Amit. Of course you do, yet you also love Carlo still. Choose my dear. Or better yet, just try to be happy. Just be happy with Amit. He loves you. You know this, we both do. So stop pushing him away.

But what about those dreams? Pay heed to the caution but live in the moment. As far as we're both concerned, that hasn't happened yet. We'll cross the bridge when we get there. For now, I urge you to be happy. Give your relationship with Amit a chance. You might never know, life sometimes surprises you in more ways than you can imagine. We both deserve to be happy.

Who The Hell Do You Think You Are?

WTF. Can't you guys just leave me alone? Haven't I done enough for you? Why can't you just let me be? It's  bad enough that I have to save your ass every time you can't make rent, now, you sidetrack people into taking your side by telling me who I should and should not date? Who the fuck are you? Last time I checked you abandoned us. You left us what, almost starving in 2004? I almost had to give up school because Mum could barely afford it. Please save me all the bullshit. You can't even support me, let alone feed me. You're a pathetic excuse for a man.

Fuck you. Lumaki ako na wala ka, di kita kelangan. Wala ka na ngang ginawang mabuti para sa pamilyang 'to, saken mo pa ipapasa responsibilities mo. You fucking go to hell. I don't care. I'm moving out. So sick and tired of cleaning up your mess. You did this to us. You cheated on Mum. You cohabited with that whore of a mistress and showered that bastard child every little fucking luxury you could afford. You starved your own family, abandoned your kids and your wife for the cheap thrills of sex. May asawa na nga't lahat lahat, nagawa mo pang patusin. Ibang klase ka talagang hayup ka. Di ka pa marunong mahiya saken. Ikaw na may 12 years na dito sa Canada, hanggang ngayon wala pa ring ipon; ni walang maipagmalaking napundar. 

Ano? Tigas din naman ng mukha mo na pagsabihan ako. Nakakahiya mga pinaggagagawa ko? Anong mas nakakahiya aber? Yung kumapit sa babaeng puta na samu't sari ang kinakalantari? O makipagdate sa lalaking single, walang asawa at matino ang pag-iisip? Huwag kang magmalinis dahil alam nating dalawa na mas masahol ka pa sa hayop. You have no fucking right to dictate what I should and shouldn't do. You are no fucking role model. Fuck off SOB. Leave me the hell alone.

I am so moving out after this. Cut me off [from the family] if you have to. I refuse to deal with this shit anymore. This is the last straw asshole.

Fairly Brittle

I don't know what's wrong with me today. What the fuck is my problem! Why am I stressing on this minor detail when I should be more focused on achieving my own set of goals? I have my nursing exam to look forward. This isn't working for me. I'm losing interest. What the hell is wrong with me! This is not about Dad anymore, or the crappy job at Vox although both have added undue stress these past few days. I feel like I'm being pulled into all directions and nearing my limit too. Like I'm about to reach the breaking point and I don't know if I can make it through in one piece. It doesn't help at all worrying about A and his situation at work as well. I feel like everything at the moment is consuming me and I can't breathe. I can't breathe. What is this, quarter-life crisis? I mean, c'mon I'm barely in mid-twenties and already I'm closer to burnout than most 25 year-olds.

I guess I care so much about things that I just have to learn to let go and just allow life to happen. I mean for the longest time I've been fighting to make things happen for myself and now, I think I should just take a backseat and let life drive. Worrying and stressing about these things really consume me. Going against the tide and resisting natural forces don't sit well with me. Heck, it doesn't work at all. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm letting life take charge for now. I'll still stress out about the nursing exam but other than that, I''ll just go with the flow wherever my feet may take me.

The Trouble With Brutal Honesty And Coming Clean

Proof that truth is over-rated: sharing a piece of info about your past that might potentially destroy you to someone you thought could be trusted only to have him blow it up to your face in tirades. It's not betrayal neither deception since every one is entitled to their own opinion and one shouldn't begrudge them against that. It feels like having cold water thrown at you, except in this case it's freezing water bursting forth with intensity such as that coming from a fireman's truck?

Sophocles once said, "the truth is always the strongest argument." And he may very well be onto something there but during the course of my 22-year existence on Earth, I've come to realize that people subscribe to their own dose of veracity to such an extent that you can never get to really know a person, let alone figure them out completely. I thought I could read you. I guess I was wrong. I apologize.

I did not mean to offend you in anyway. I genuinely felt like you were a nonjudgmental kindred spirit in a sense, that I could trust you at a certain level so much that I could even tell you anything about me for you to be able to have a clear grasp of why I am who I am today. I want you to get to know me, the real ME behind the nice sweet girl facade every one's so used to seeing. I wanted to let you in in that circle of trust. And I'm sorry for taking things the wrong way as you put it. My feelings were hurt, how was I supposed to react? I know you meant well but then again, you didn't spare a minute to even fish for details as to why those series of unfortunate events did happen. You just went on and on about my sheer stupidity and lack of ability to discern which is conversation-material and which skeleton should be left in the closet so to speak. So excuse me if I'm hurt and very disappointed with the negativity you demonstrated when I was in a sense sharing a piece of me.

The flipside to this though is at least now I have a better idea whom to trust and whom not to. I'm not saying I can never trust or talk to you again about things like those but it's put things into a perspective where I do need to take accountability with the things I say to people and also gauge how they'd react. I apologize for the lack of hindsight there. It was wrong of me as well to even consider trusting you that much.

(To be continued...)

With Or Without Me

This is one of the many reasons why I refuse to go on. Why I say NO. Why we can never be together in that sense. As much as I like you and love spending time with you, I can never be too certain if every thing you profess or do for me is a genuine reflection of how you feel about me. Time and again, you've said you liked me. That I'm always on your mind and you're attracted to me. You say all these things and do all these things that give me enough reason to want to hope that they're real. Yet as soon as I do, I witness things that mildly disappoint me which lead to other things that accumulate over time and then frustration sets in. Yes, I don't know why I feel this way and I don't even hold any claim on you. It sucks and I feel the need to repel any act or gesture of affection from you and towards you. How do I best explain it without sounding destitute? I am neither emulous nor covetous but I do feel some form of begrudging to an extent that I sometimes resent myself for it. I can't even comprehend why I feel this way at all given the fact that I'm not into labels, let alone define whatever we have.

I really do not comprehend where all this is coming from and how strong the surge of emotions drowning me right now I can barely keep level. I need to be rational about this. I have got to be for my sake. I guess, the best thing is to do is to distance myself for now and see what happens. There have been waterworks in the past and the last thing I need is a repeat performance. I do hope you find the strength in you to quit smoking soon, with or without me. Enjoy.

To Open Up Or Not To Open Up, That Is The Question?

OMG. You talked about me? At a family gathering? Why? Do I really mean that much to you? Seriously, I could not believe nor even fathom in my wildest dreams that you'd talk about me to your estranged family, let alone even mention my name and [the country] where I'm from. This is a HUGE thing: you talking to them about these things, so excuse me if I express a level of shock and apprehension to a certain degree. It just seems like things are moving way too fast for me to even sink in. You tell me things like I influence you in a good way, and, actually calm you down a bit. You said you actually enjoyed hanging around family, for the first time and actually felt the whole "family-vibe" [the wanting to stick around them and hang out] thing. That's great! Then you say it's all on me? Like I was the catalyst that made you see things in a different light? I don't know how to react that. I may have helped at some point, but it was all you. All you, and that's good! I love the fact that you're slowly opening up to them and finally looking at things in a better perspective.

However, I don't know how to feel about that. I mean, I know I shouldn't make a fuss about it because they asked and like you said, you did mention that in passing. Then again, you don't usually talk about these things so that stresses me out a little. I don't think I'm prepared to go into a relationship yet given the circumstance we're in right now. Don't get me wrong though, I like you immensely. You amuse me and I enjoy spending time with you. But most times, I feel like I have to keep my guard up because I feel like a soap bubble around you. Extremely vulnerable and helpless whenever you're around. I don't know why I feel that way, I just do. It's frustrating on my part because I want to be completely honest with you but then my filter clicks into gear and well, thoughts get screened before I say them out loud. I feel the urgency of being cautious around you. I know it's unfair and a load of BS to you because you are neither Gef nor Carlo. Then again please understand the need to shelter myself against any one or thing that might potentially hurt me in the long run.

I guess the question I have to answer is whether to trust you or not; whether to let you in in my life. To be perfectly honest, I don't know how to address this thought because as earlier suggested, I have trust issues [mainly with men, i.e. my dad, Gef and Carlo] and this is something that only time can resolve. So the next query would be, and I'm not imposing this on you in any way, do you think that the attraction you have for me is strong enough to warrant an indefinite waiting period? Give it a thought or two, then get back to me. Otherwise, I would not want to be wasting your time. That sounds a little exigent but I do have to know. 

The 360

Lesson learned. Never ever open your mouth again. Use your words carefully and never bring up the past. Ever. I don't know why I said those things. Damn. And now, I can't even sleep. Oh well. Hello to another week of dark circles and baggy eyes, looking like a friggin' Panda with chinky eye slits [must be from all the crying]. I'm pretty sure I'll be having nightmares again about this. Every single bloody night. Fuck. This is what I hate. Messy breakups and the messier in-between. Where's that stupid bloody filter when you need it? Shit. I literally feel like slapping myself to reality now. Look at what you've done. You've singlehandedly managed to practically ruin every thing you've been trying to rebuild for the past month and successfully drove him farther away than necessary. 

What the fuck is wrong with you? Why can't you be normal for once and let sleeping dogs lie? Why continue to pry open Pandora's box? Why? Do you get a kick with hurting yourself? Is that it? Seriously Melissa, get a grip and stop this madness. You know you deserve better. You know you deserve every last bit of happiness there is. You know this deep down, I know you do. So stop crying over spilled milk. Get to your feet and mop it up. Funny, I quoted him on this one .

Right. Move on, full speed ahead. You need to listen to your friends. They are right. As a fellow plurker put it, life is like riding a bicycle. You have to keep moving forward in order to keep your balance - Albert Einstein. I know. Move forward. Right. Listen to words of wisdom flowing through that train of thought. I know you're fully capable of doing that. You're a smart, capable, strong-willed woman. You know what you want and more importantly, are aware of what you need. Learn from this harrowing experience and use it to the fullest. I believe in you, in us. We can do this together. It may sound weird, but that's my brain and heart talking. LOL. I may have seriously lost it. Hello Psych Ward. LOL. 

Crybaby

A fellow Plurker inspired this post. Essentially, it's a list on the saddest tearjerkers in Cinema history. Some of these movies I've seen myself, others I've been wanting to see for quite some time now. There's just something about watching sad movies. You experience the gravity of loss of the characters, the varying depths of desolation and that overwhelming feeling of grief and despair entangled within the various plots in the story. Most people would agree that such an experience is enlightening. Makes one truly appreciative of what one has. Then again watching people suffer, even through film, is an intense ordeal for me. Yes, I consider myself a crybaby in that, I almost always cry at the end of a movie. I remember weeping buckets over The Pianist, The Notebook and Schindler's List. City of Angels always get me sniffing like crazy, it doesn't help either with that Sarah McLachlan song playing in the background. I'm a sucker for these movies.

1. Saving Private Ryan
   
2. My Girl (with Macaulay Culkin)
   
3. Ghost
   
4. A Walk To Remember
   
5. Patch Adams (endearing plot)
   
6. House of Flying Daggers (preferably with subtitles)
   
7. Dead Poet's Society
   
8. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (also with subtitles)
   
9. Message In A Bottle (wanting to read this Nick Sparks novel for a long time)
   
10. Stepmom (dying of Cancer is always sad)
    
11. Gladiator
    
12. The English Patient
    
13. Meet Joe Black (Brad Pitt, go figure)
    
14. Life As A House (love, love, love this movie)
    
15. I Am Sam (Sean Penn gave a stellar performance here)
    
16. Radio
    
17. Crash (seen it twice, never understood though)
    
18. Simon Birch (watched it at school, cried like crazy)
    
19. Forrest Gump
    
20. Awakenings (one of Robert De Niro's finest films)
    
21. Boys Don't Cry (I loved Hilary Swank in this movie)
    
22. Cast Away
    
23. Bi-Centennial Man
    
24. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (intrigued about the plot)
    
25. Free Willy (oh c'mon, don't tell me this didn't make you sob a little when you were a kid?)
    
26. The Way We Were (a Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford classic)
    

Hurt.

Ano bang problema mo ha! Baket pagmamay-ari mo ba ang Plurk? Wala na ba akong karapatan na i-voice out mga nararamdaman ko? Iniwan mo na nga ako, nawalan nako ng kaibigan at ngayon pati pa ba naman yun kukunin mo pa? Napaka-selfish mo. Baka nakakalimutan mo, you broke up with me. You chose to end it. Not me. Tapos ngayon mag-iinarte ka ng ganyan saken? Ano bang nagawa ko sayo? Ano? Niloko ba kita? Yung mga pictures? Si Ivan nanaman? OMG.

Ang kitid kasi ng utak mo. Magkaibigan kami ni Faisal. Isa sya sa mga napagsasabihan ko ng mga nangyayari dito kasi sobrang busy ka sa trabaho mo. Ngayon wala na sya, wala nakong makausap. Tapos pati pa ba naman yung karapatang magPlurk kukunin mo pa saken? Ano pa ba ang di ko nabigay sayo ha? Ano pa ba ang kulang at kelangan mong kunin lahat lahat saken? Ano pa? Ano pa Carlo? 

Oh Noes!

Whew! That was a close call. For a second there I thought I was beginning to care for the fellow. Well, I did and now, I've decided not to. Call me fickle but yeah, for a split second there I did feel some form of begrudging which is really ridiculous since I hold no claim whatsoever. I know, here I go again. Good thing I was able to check myself though. I mean seriously, this is not what I need right now. A clean break remember? Good and clean and nothing in between? No more strings attached; free as a bird to do whatever I want, however I want it. No, stop that. Stop feeling like that. Believe me, you're better off alone right now.

I should probably not mention this but Brammy if you're reading my blog tonight, try reading between the lines okay? And yeah, the previous entry really pertained to you. Sorry.

HIGHLIGHT of the day: I made two sales! Woohoo! Back to back as well! I hope we make good on this campaign. I'd hate to think of anyone leaving.

Can You Keep A Secret?

I wrote this poem a month ago, inspired by a guy (who asked me not to expose his identity) at work who is infatuated with this girl but it's hopeless because she doesn't feel the same way. 

Patuloy na umaasa na mapansin mo sinta

Ngunit wala na ata akong magagawa

Kung siya lang ang iyong nakikita.

Sinubukan kong dedmahin ka

Ngunit kay lakas ng iyong impluwensya

Kahit san ako mapunta, mukha mo ang nakikita.

Ano ba talagang meron ka

At ako'y nahuhumaling sa iyong angking ganda?

Minsan naisip kong magpakalayo na

Ngunit patuloy pa ring inaasam na makapiling ka.

O, kay lupit ng tadhana,

Isa ba itong parusa?

The weird thing was, at the time I penned this, I was feeling similar emotions as well towards someone else. The notion only occurred to me after having that person read it to me aloud. I was surprised and wondered at the same time why I felt that way towards this person who I did not know quite well and yet had such a power over me. It was like I was gripped since day one. 

I've always been the type of person to watch from afar and keep my distance. You might say, I like to observe people a lot. I don't feel it necessary to blab about how I feel or what I think towards them. If they knew, I'm pretty sure they'd stop talking to me. In my whole 22-year existence, nobody has ever known how I truly felt and what I really thought of things. A pacifist by nature, I've always settled for what is right or what has less resistance. All the life-changing decisions I've made are the result of compromises with people I love and have loved. Knowing they're happy made me happy, somewhat.

However, this person has infiltrated the wall. He has broken down that barrier and within a span of days has gotten to know more about me than I would happily share with anyone. Even my best friends who live in the other side of the globe are not aware of the things I've told this stranger. I would die of mortification if any of them knew. I would literally die.

So, how come this guy who's as much of a stranger as anyone could be have that much of an effect on me? I don't know. I couldn't even comprehend why I nonchalantly chatter on such secrets to him without even knowing a single bloody thing about him. Well, I do know a little about his history and some of the questionable and disturbing things he's done but other than that, I know so little of him. It kind of scares me a little because I feel so vulnerable whenever he's around, like a soap bubble about to burst.

Bizarre, don't you think?

Love, Save The Empty

He has moved on. Yes. You read that correctly. He has moved on. He has moved on. Oh God! I just can't process that right now. I refuse to. I just cannot. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. I know I'm living in denial but I really cannot process that thought right now. He can't have moved on all of a sudden. He just cannot. Oh God, do I even hear myself? This isn't me. This doesn't sound like me talking. Oh God.

The Cheat Sheet

What is cheating? And how should one deliberate which constitute cheating? Cheating is a form of deception, dishonesty or defrauding. Cheating shakes the very foundation on which a loving and mature relationship is built on, TRUST.

So what exactly is cheating? And how should one go about being cheated upon? Will someone enlighten me? Because as far as I'm concerned, I've never cheated on anyone in my entire romantic relationship history. If I recall correctly, I have always been the person cheated upon. And I'm sorry to say this but talking to a guy and borrowing his notes in school should not be correlated with cheating. I mean, we were just talking and sharing notes. What's wrong with that? What about taking random pictures with buddies, does that constitute cheating as well? Tell me exactly, what should be one's definition of cheating?

Amit said anything that happens below the waist for him entails cheating. Furthermore, he said and I quote, "a kiss is just a kiss." Granted, but see you wouldn't kiss anyone for no specific reason right? I mean, there are many types of kisses. The friendship kiss or what we Pinays call "beso-beso" which girls use to greet their friends with. The parents/elders' kiss which literally meant a kiss on the forehead connoting utmost respect to/for the person. Then there's the eskimo kiss where just the tip of the noses touch. And finally, the kiss on the lips, which could mean both ways. On a more subdued and platonic level, it could be classified into a smack or a half open-mouthed kiss. And well, there's the erotic kind as well which would lead to a full make-out session as well as something else. A kiss could mean a lot of things yes, but the logic behind it remains certain of one thing - that is a kiss is a deliberate act. Translation: you kiss someone because you want to, and that could lead to cheating.

I have yet to ask for Aaron and Eric and some of the other guys' take on cheating. For tonight, I'll just be content to know that in my book, I've never cheated on Carlo or anyone else I've seriously dated for that matter. (To be continued...)

Day 5

Okay, so it's been 5 days since the break-up. Four days since Mum talked to him and 8 hours since I last cried about him (half cried myself to sleep to be exact). What now? I'm trying my best NOT to call him whenever I feel the urge to just hear his voice at the end of the line. I'm trying my best NOT to PM him every single time I see him online. I'm trying my best NOT to breakdown anymore in front of Dad who seems to think I've gone crazy with the mood swings. I'm trying my best NOT send him an email declaring how much he means to me and where I stand as far as he's asking for space and time alone goes. I'm NOT that brave and NOT that strong. Each minute that passes by I feel him slipping away. But there's nothing I could do about it. Nothing I could do yet as of the moment to sway his mind. Nothing I could do to bring him back.

I've thought about coming home in time for my little brother's high school graduation and then spending a week with him. That was before he decided to call it quits. I've thought about saving up for that weekend getaway we were planning for in Boracay. Heck I even thought about surprising him at work. I've thought about a lot of things. And all this while, I never thought about us ending up this way. For the almost 3 years we've been together, I always saw myself walking down the aisle with him waiting for me at the altar. It sounds weird because I'm really afraid of getting married and all but the moment I formally introduced him to Mum, I knew it. He was the man I would be spending the rest of my life with. He was the man who would father my children. He was the man with whom I would get old with. And now, he's gone. Away from my reach, out of my life.

It sounds futile to hope given the distance between us. And I know too well what separation and 13-hour difference in time-zones bring: frustration, loss and prospects. I remember how it  was with Gef. I remember it well. Five years have passed since then but I haven't forgotten. I remember how silly I was for pleading to him to come back. I remember how cold his voice was at the end of line. I remember this, "mag-uusap tayo pagbalik ko d'yan." But we never did have that talk. I remember living on auto pilot for 6 months, much like a zhombie, getting by through the day without any emotion whatsoever. I remember binging only on ice cream. I remember crying in the dark, constantly praying for him to come back. I remember it all. And it seems, I'm living it all again this time with Carlo.

Failed relationships with two different people who as luck would have it resorted to similar means of ending the relationship. Both left me hanging. Alone to fend for myself. Alone to pick up the pieces. To NOT even deserve a proper break-up. Am I not worth even just that? A proper goodbye? I feel the hurt and the anger bubbling up inside of me. But I can't quell the hope springing forth as well. I love Carlo and I'm willing to fight for that, the sole right to be with him. Even if it meant watching him from a distance. He said he needs time to think things over. Okay. Time. Maybe that's what we both need to do. Re-examine the relationship and go from there. Or maybe, just maybe time will heal all wounds.

So This is Goodbye.

Are you going to kill me? Is your heart so set out on killing me both figuratively and literally? Is there no more space in your heart to forgive? Did you lie to me all those times when you vowed to stay in this for the long haul? When you declared that your life will end as soon as we do? When you said you'd fight for us no matter what it took? Were you lying to me then the first night we were together? When you said I was your happiness?  Were you lying too then when you proposed to me? Were you lying to me all those times?

Tell me then quite frankly, you don't love me anymore? All those times you said you love me, were they nothing but bullshit? Are you throwing me away like some ragged piece of doll you've gotten tired of playing with? Is that it? Is it because I can't fulfill your sexual needs anymore? Did you just waste your time on me? Is that it? Am I just a waste of time to you? A burden that you've been for quite sometime now plotting to get rid of and now have successfully did?

Am I just a waste of space in your mind? Am I just a piece of trash to you? Am I nothing to you? Are you going to kill me now?

Dark Cloud Overhead.

I can feel it coming. A dark cloud overhead. I can feel it enveloping me in darkness. I feel big fat tears rolling down my cheeks before I could even stop them. I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs. I feel like banging my head on the wall. I feel like nothing.

I want to feel numb. To not be able to think. To not be able to remember. I want to forget so badly. I want to be happy. Yet how? When every memory of you haunts me? How? When all I see is your face at night? How? When I yearn for your voice, your touch and your smile to get by every day?

I've heard that happiness is a choice, and in order to be happy, you have got to make a conscious choice to be happy. So does this mean I'm choosing to be unhappy? Does this mean that I'm imposing sorrow and unhappiness onto myself because I choose to deal with the situation this way? Full head-on?

Amit told me that I over think things. Maybe I do, he's not the only person who's ever told me that. So, yeah I over think things. I over analyze. And now I'm trying to justify my behavior. Does this mean also that I'm choosing to be unhappy because I over analyze? I don't know.

I've been through way nastier break-ups than this yet why does it hurt more? Because it was quick and final, lethal in a sense that I was caught off-guard? Perhaps. Because I had no control over it whatsoever? A little. Because I couldn't stop the impending sorrow that came with it, the incredibly painful thought of having been abandoned? Yes.

*** He told me to listen to Urbandub's Evidence.

Time has a way of healing, or so they say. 

So why am I still left here cryin'?

Caught in these ways of emotions as people stare

I find there's no real place for me to hide

Well I've been trying in vain

Was only fooling myself

With each passing day

The pain still stays the same

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've found out about you

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've found out about you

What more is it that you need

Right now clearly it's not me

With every minute that I gave to you

The punches that I took from you

Why was there no warning love?

What more is it that you need?

Right now clearly it's not me

Despite everything I did for you

Excuse me if I'm surprised

Was the moment that I found out that we were through

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've found out about you

When everything seemed alright

You turn and break my heart

Didn't I deserve your love?

It kills me inside to think of his arms

Wrapped around you now

Is he a better lover than I?

Well I've been trying in vain

Was only fooling myself

With each passing day

The pain still stays the same

Caught you in the arms of another

I've been dying everyday since then

Caught you in the arms of another

I've found out about you..

Time has a way of healing, or so they say

So why am I still left here?