Caught Up In The Whirlwind

Tonight I pour my heart out. No excuses this time, no sense in putting this off. I think I've made quite a complete fool of myself these past few months, getting involved rather too quickly I must say and now karma's biting me in the ass. Tonight, I face my fears head on and confront every single memory that has haunted me. Tonight, I say goodbye to you.

I must admit I've been having doubts for a long time now and tonight, my instincts have proven me right. And as much as this hurts me, I have to let go. I'm sorry. Do believe me when I say this, it's not you. It's me. I just can't function this way, always having to feel vulnerable, scared of being alone and hurt. I'm sorry but this is for the best. I love you and I don't want to hurt you, but I have to love myself more this time. I have no one but me to rely on, and for that I am virtually and in essence, alone. For the most part, I want to thank you. You have been nothing but kind and nice and caring to me. I doubt you'll stay single for long and trust me on this, you deserve someone better. As dramatic as this may sound, I'm setting you free. Go  and find your happiness.

***Disclaimer: This was written as a rant, and is therefore, considered by the blogger as nothing more than a necessary outburst of emotion. A venting process if you will, to address certain concerns that have been plaguing her mind for the past week. Just the subconscious talking.

The Juggling Act

Is it just me? Or has time really passed by quickly and before you know it, June has come? LOL. I know, I've been way too busy lately I haven't had the time to actually update you with all the juicy tidbits that have been going on for the past month. For one, work has become bearable again as every one gears up for the new call list to start. Some agents from RRA were switched to PA and the team grows by the week. Every one's punching in numbers for the group and generally doing okay. The only sad part is our TL Thierry is still a slave-driving prick who constantly badgers us with pressured sales every single day. On a lighter note though, I've learned to adapt to his ways and just take every thing in stride. No use to get worked up with someone who has the emotional intelligence of a squash right? And as long as he leaves me alone, then we should be fine.

As for my personal life, well let's just say things are getting very interesting. Amit is wonderful. I think I'm way more into him than I expected and the crazy part is, he's into me too. Get this, he said HE LOVES ME and not just once but well, countless times now. I mean, who would've thought he'd feel that way towards me as well? Certainly never expected nor have even forseen this happen. He is surprisingly sweet and expressive. He showers me with displays of affection that could rival that of the Olympics. I'm telling you, this dude could kiss up a frenzy. His lips do mean business. LOL. 

I could say this though, and I don't even care if he gets to read it, I may not say it much but I love him. I love him to a point that it scares me sometimes because it makes me feel vulnerable, pathetic and weak. I hate feeling this way and actually allowing him into my life means giving him the power to hurt me and yet still trust him not to. And this is the part where he asks me to trust him, the same way he seems to trust me. See my dilemma there? LOL.

(To be continued...)

Fairly Brittle

I don't know what's wrong with me today. What the fuck is my problem! Why am I stressing on this minor detail when I should be more focused on achieving my own set of goals? I have my nursing exam to look forward. This isn't working for me. I'm losing interest. What the hell is wrong with me! This is not about Dad anymore, or the crappy job at Vox although both have added undue stress these past few days. I feel like I'm being pulled into all directions and nearing my limit too. Like I'm about to reach the breaking point and I don't know if I can make it through in one piece. It doesn't help at all worrying about A and his situation at work as well. I feel like everything at the moment is consuming me and I can't breathe. I can't breathe. What is this, quarter-life crisis? I mean, c'mon I'm barely in mid-twenties and already I'm closer to burnout than most 25 year-olds.

I guess I care so much about things that I just have to learn to let go and just allow life to happen. I mean for the longest time I've been fighting to make things happen for myself and now, I think I should just take a backseat and let life drive. Worrying and stressing about these things really consume me. Going against the tide and resisting natural forces don't sit well with me. Heck, it doesn't work at all. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm letting life take charge for now. I'll still stress out about the nursing exam but other than that, I''ll just go with the flow wherever my feet may take me.

The Big Move

Move in with me. It's the the most logical thing to do. We both get away from the [unnecessary] stress with our parents and I know I love snuggling and hanging out with you. So why not move in? Honestly, waking up beside you every morning is a great way to start the day! What I'm saying is, give it a thought. I'd really love for us to move in together.

As we were strolling along the corner of St. John and Stephanie Street, he finds this quiet community park nestled among shady poplars hidden in the concrete jungle. It was a typical community park, except it was located with just a few meters from Downtown T.O. which was a good thing by the way. Think of it as living somewhere along Global City only actually closer to Makati. We sit on the bench and enjoy the cool breeze as dusk was settling in.

I like it here. This looks like a good neighborhood to live in. I'm pretty sure that [building/high rise apartment] has elevators.Hmm. What do you think? Would you want to live here?

I give him a quizzical look and quickly addressed the fact that the thought has never crossed my mind. I mean seriously to move in with him is a huge thing, not only with my family. I panicked a little, tried to buy time by stalling with a, "why would you ask me? Why would my opinion matter?"

I mean, if we were hypothetically to live together, would you be okay with this area? What do you think? I'm asking your opinion. I mean, look. It's close to Downtown and the TTC, and it's more cost effective to actually move in together because you'd be able to save up for your nursing exam instead of worrying with paying the rent and all the bullshit crap your dad subjects you to paying. Plus, I know I want to be with you and actually hang out with you so moving in together satisfies those goals. 

He did have a valid argument and the proposal is tempting. However, I'm too much of a chickenshit to say yes because of the implications saying yes might mean for my family. My parents would either kill me or disown me. I don't even think Mum would understand even if she found out what has been happening recently with Pop and I. 

It's all about the money. He expects me to pay for every bloody bill in the house including rent! I mean, hello! I make between $600-800 before taxes so I don't have the capacity to actually do that. I have my Visa bill to worry about enough as it is. He expects me to pay for every bloody bill while he loafs around and just goes about the house as he pleases. Stupid lazy ass! And every one expects me to SAVE? How the fuck is that possible huh? Plus when I have company [i.e. le boyfriend] over he makes a huge fuss about it. What the fuck! Seriously, I can consider this my place because as earlier established I actually pay for the place: food, bills, rent, hydro - you name it, i pay for it. It's just under his name but it's my money. My hard-earned money that I get called on for whenever I go out on dates with le boyfriend.

I really want you to [move in]. I think I love you. I mean, I love spending time with you and hanging out. I love kissing you, snuggling with you, holding you close. I can't get enough of you.If this isn't love, then you tell me. I  do love you. Do you love me?

Then my heart goes on overdrive and I find myself absentmindedly nodding. What a relief to finally hear him say those words! Sometimes life surprises you and you're just right where you belong, in the safe and loving arms of someone who actually cares for you.

Hakuna Matata

Chest pains are getting worse as the stress on this campaign increases. It doesn't help either that my TL is an arrogant obnoxious asshole who cares more about punching in numbers than he does for his agents. I loathe him. Called in sick today. Must see a doctor soon enough. I just hope it's nothing serious though, le boyfriend is worried enough as it is.

The L-Word

To be beloved is all I need,

And whom I love, I love indeed.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge(1772-1834)

How apt the quotation is for today. As usual, le boyfriend came over last night [as he had the previous nights, he's becoming quite a regular fixture in the house. I don't think Pop would've minded anyhow] and we were snuggling on the couch as we normally would, watching flicks from trusty old Mac. I fed him Pancit and Orange Chicken, well what's left of it anyway, for dinner as we cozied up once more and started talking. He is amazing, as boyfriends go but there's something about him that really stands out from the other dudes I've dated. With him, it's easy, effortless; he makes me feel comfortable to certain extent where I can be myself and not worry. Well, at least that's what he tells me although I still do tend to worry a lot. LOL. The comfort level between us has reached to a point where I feel like I could be completely honest with him. Heck, I even talk to him about my ambivalent thoughts towards Number 4. It sounds cruel I know, but he presses me to go on. He warrants complete honesty. No illusions or lies, but just honest brutal truth no matter how ugly or hurtful it is.

Last night though as he read the previous blog entry, I honestly thought he would get up and leave or get pissed about it. Instead he read it intently, calmly, looked at me straight in the eye and asked me, "do you want to know if I love you or not?" Caught offguard and surprised, I found myself staring dead straight and could not even look at him. I mean, all this time I thought he had reservations as to using the L-word and last night, I was proven wrong. He waited for my answer, took my hand and pressed it gently. I stalled for a while, thinking of a better way of putting things. He was waiting, so I finally caved and gave a weak, "yes?" His reply was unexpected. For a moment there, I actually sat motionless, still staring into dead space as I listened to the words that were coming out of his mouth. Open-mouthed, I think he was aware of how surprised I was and although his response wasn't perfect or what I wanted to hear, it was at the very least acceptable. There was a varying degree of truth in it.

He said he didn't know what LOVE is and that he could not tell whether or not what he felt toward me deserved the word. He continued by recounting that most of his fundamental years were spent watching TV and that his parents as busy as they were, weren't the best examples of it. He claims he grew up not knowing what constitutes love and how best to discern whether you love someone. He then reassured me that although he can't say that he loves me because he doesn't know what LOVE is, he knows these things for a fact: he loves being around me. If he could have his way, he'd be with me every day and night. He can't stop and won't kissing me. He wants me, needs me. If that doesn't merit love, then I don't know what is. 

The Veil Has Been Lifted

Once the illusion wears off only two things are bound to happen: either you wake up and discern reality was a far better place to be in or you fall flat, face first and realize what a stupid web you've found yourself tangled into. So which one would it be? After having the talk with A, and going through that last entry in Tabs, an epiphany burst forth and then there was clarity. As I pondered further last night, evaluating and reevaluating how far this thing [we have] has come, the realization hit me in the face so hard it knocked me off my feet. I had to lie down for quite some time before I could piece out the words. Okay, that may have sounded a tad dramatic, but I always seem to have a flair for that. LOL.

I think that whatever this thing is [with A], it's more loosely based on physical attraction. I'm not saying it's possible not to go further than that given a shared level of trust and intimacy, however, the chances of this transitioning into a full-blown relationship [in my terms] are slim. We have different sets of values and norms that govern our morals, but that isn't the issue here. I think it stems mostly from the fact that the North American culture has developed a widely prevalent stigma surrounding the use of the L-word. People living on this side of the pond have difficulty articulating and are very apprehensive about it, which is kind of ironic in itself because the displays of affection more often than not speak volumes of the emotion behind them, whether it be lust or love driving it. So, why is it difficult to tell rather than show? Verbalization is the key in any relationship, that's basically how we communicate. We speak and an exchange of thoughts occur. Mankind would not have survived if not for communication, let alone verbalization which is also the fundamental, very core of any language and culture. Alrighty. might have gone too intellectual on that front. Now, on to the topic. 

A relationship for me is more than physical attraction given that there is a shared level of intimacy surrounding it. With that being said, I cannot consider this thing we have as a relationship since there hasn't been any verbal declaration on both parties. We may use the labels boyfriend-girlfriend but unless there is some form of verbal declaration, then we are just exclusively dating and hold no claim whatsoever to each other. Saying those three words and eight letters is fairly easy in the Filipino culture, we articulate it more often than not whether we truly mean it or use it as some form of a cruel sick joke. My point is, we say it regardless and knowing all that, and your slight aversion to the topic on hand, made me think twice. Perhaps I've been hasty as well on this aspect, and a reevaluation must be warranted on my part.

(To be continued...)

Boyfriend-Girlfriend And The Exclusions

How weird is it that I find myself not so much into using labels to define the current relationship I have with A, and him wanting to take things a step further into exclusivity by using labels to delineate his territory? LOL. I don't know what's the matter with me and labels, I used to be so into them. Now, it feels like I've outgrown them or something. Or maybe, I'm just not in that stage yet where I feel the need and comfort to use such terms of endearment. I guess one could say that I've grown quite cynical to it given the string of unsuccessful relationships in the past. It's not so much about the exclusivity that unnerves me, rather the probability that this might end up badly and I've to regain a sense of self and rebuild my world. I want to avoid any complexity until I fully heal from the past hurt.

I hate to admit this, but I still think about and have dreams of Number 4. Like today, I woke up at 5:17 in the morning literally a few minutes prior to sunrise and the first thought that came to mind was him. Despite the current relationship status characterized by the easy-breezy nature I have with A, Number 4 seems to always pop in my head every so often. Nostalgia perhaps? I don't know. A has been such a sweetheart about it, he's been so gracious with the fact that it's okay for me to talk about it. He's amazing. I know you'll be reading this soon enough, now don't get cocky! 

I guess what I'm saying is, anxiety's getting the best of me. I'm at a point where I'm cowering and could not even muster to express how I truly feel. No, it's not compromising to an extent nor settling. I just feel like there's something vital missing in the relationship dynamic. Something which would elucidate things for me. Fuck. I can't even say it out loud.