I had difficulty sleeping last night. Well, that's an understatement actually. I had trouble dozing off for the past two weeks. I mean I've been having strange dreams lately concerning weddings and getting abducted by strange men. I don't know why I keep getting those nightmares this week. Should I read into it or learn to shake it off?
Anyhow, last night was different though. Thoughts of current events swirled in my head and kept me up, pondering the night away. One particular thought puzzled me. I know what Amit or Eric would say, that I was overanalyzing things again, digging meaning to every word reading in between the lines. A really bad habit of mine but last night, hard as I've tried to put myself to sleep and not obsess about this one sentence, something deep down kept gnawing at me. Eating my insides and I knew there was no way I would be able to brush it off. And so, for 3 and half hours I lay awake, staring into the vacant space such as one would in a trance.
What is this thought, this one line that would bother me so and keep me up for 3 hours you ask? Simple really, six words. Six-friggin'-words that have rocked the very core of my being. I don't want to lose you. Thinking about it even now, sends chills down my spine. I have to pause and take a breather just having to type it right now.
As melodramatic as it sounds, I've never ever considered [heck even dreamed in my wildest of wildest dreams] to hear those six words from you. Never. After all, four failed relationships and a broken engagement later would have surely disillusioned one into thinking it would ever be possible to find someone who'd be willing enough to stick it through and actually have the gall [gut and balls] to confess just how much one would factor in the other's life. It just didn't seem to occur to me that someone like you would be capable of doing such a thing, let alone say it out loud.
It took me by surprise not because I refuse to see myself with you but because I don't think it plausible to stay together or even hope to stay together [suicidal instinct that would shatter me once things end badly] for such a long period of time. Remember once we talked about seeing ourselves three years down the road? That conversation we had kept bugging me. Although it thrills me to think, nay even consider, you wanting to be with me for that long, I must also face reality. I mean, people change and that's a known fact. As time passes, we too get older and our needs and desires change as well. This might help me get my point across.
I guess what I'm saying is, actually asking from you is to refrain from saying those things to me. Please understand that although I appreciate the sentiment you wanted to get across, I would rather not hear of such things for fear that later on I might hold onto it. Do acknowledge the fact that as a female, I too tend to put too much stock in every word you say. It's just one of the pitfalls of our species. Tell me you love to such an extent but please do not lead me to believe otherwise. Please, that is all I ask.
