The Hauntings

Another weird dream involving strange men and abductions haunted me last night and I found myself waking up at dawn, sweating in the sweltering heat of summer as I tried to push back whatever ghastly scenes I've seen and will myself back to sleep. I lay there seemingly restless, my body wanted sleep but my mind had a will of its own. The harder I tried to calm myself down, the more vivid the images came to mind. This may sound childish to some since it was all but a dream, but it really the scared the shit out of me. I mean for three consecutive nights now, I've been having the same nightmare. It's like on replay.

It starts off with me lining up to get on the bus. As I wait for my turn, I notice strange men in black ogling me. One looked like he knew who I was and requested to see an ID. I showed him my health card since I had it on hand [I don't know why]. He looked at me then to the picture on my health card then to me again then shot a look at him companion. This other guy comes out of nowhere and all of a sudden grabs me by the arm and says, "miss you better come with us. Be silent and don't say a word."

Shocked, I initially went with them until I felt this ominous feeling bubble up deep down and as soon as I found a way to break free, I ran as fast as I could. I remember leaving my bag behind and all I had on me was my laptop, purse and jacket. They were running after me. I kept yelling for help but nobody seemed to hear my pleas. Everyone in the terminal [it seemed like one] went about their usual business, no one even noticed me running for my life as four strange men came after me. I tried yelling louder and louder and louder until I woke up. This was the first night I had this dream.

The following [night] dream pretty much started off the same way, except this time they actually abduct me and they take me to their leader. I am able to narrowly escape, except this time I only had my purse with me. I get to a subway station as soon as I get into the train, the doors close. I thought I was safe but it seemed like the strange men knew where I was going because at the next stop, as soon as I get off they spot me again. The running ensues and I wake up gasping for air.

Last night was different. Although it started pretty much the same as it did the first night, they actually catch up to me this time and this huge black guy asks me a very strange question. I guess he was the big boss because everyone seemed to be scared of him. He looked down at me, his eyes as black as coal and asked me again. This time, I hear myself saying I know nothing and don't have [whatever it was they were looking for] on me. I even said, "go ahead and strip search me if you like. I don't know what you're talking about." He must've liked the suggestion because as soon as I uttered the word strip, he snapped his fingers and his men took to a strange room, ripped my clothes off me until I only had my bottom underwear left. He [big ugly black boss] starts touching my body, caressing me as big fat tears roll down my cheeks. I remember pleading and crying and yelling but no one seems to hear me, and then... I wake up.

Keeping It Real

I had difficulty sleeping last night. Well, that's an understatement actually. I had trouble dozing off for the past two weeks. I mean I've been having strange dreams lately concerning weddings and getting abducted by strange men. I don't know why I keep getting those nightmares this week. Should I read into it or learn to shake it off?

Anyhow, last night was different though. Thoughts of current events swirled in my head and kept me up, pondering the night away. One particular thought puzzled me. I know what Amit or Eric would say, that I was overanalyzing things again, digging meaning to every word reading in between the lines. A really bad habit of mine but last night, hard as I've tried to put myself to sleep and not obsess about this one sentence, something deep down kept gnawing at me. Eating my insides and I knew there was no way I would be able to brush it off. And so, for 3 and half hours I lay awake, staring into the vacant space such as one would in a trance.

What is this thought, this one line that would bother me so and keep me up for 3 hours you ask? Simple really, six words. Six-friggin'-words that have rocked the very core of my being. I don't want to lose you. Thinking about it even now, sends chills down my spine. I have to pause and take a breather just having to type it right now.

As melodramatic as it sounds, I've never ever considered [heck even dreamed in my wildest of wildest dreams] to hear those six words from you. Never. After all, four failed relationships and a broken engagement later would have surely disillusioned one into thinking it would ever be possible to find someone who'd be willing enough to stick it through and actually have the gall [gut and balls] to confess just how much one would factor in the other's life. It just didn't seem to occur to me that someone like you would be capable of doing such a thing, let alone say it out loud.

It took me by surprise not because I refuse to see myself with you but because I don't think it plausible to stay together or even hope to stay together [suicidal instinct that would shatter me once things end badly] for such a long period of time. Remember once we talked about seeing ourselves three years down the road? That conversation we had kept bugging me. Although it thrills me to think, nay even consider, you wanting to be with me for that long, I must also face reality. I mean, people change and that's a known fact. As time passes, we too get older and our needs and desires change as well. This might help me get my point across.

I guess what I'm saying is, actually asking from you is to refrain from saying those things to me. Please understand that although I appreciate the sentiment you wanted to get across, I would rather not hear of such things for fear that later on I might hold onto it. Do acknowledge the fact that as a female, I too tend to put too much stock in every word you say. It's just one of the pitfalls of our species. Tell me you love to such an extent but please do not lead me to believe otherwise. Please, that is all I ask.