With Or Without Me

This is one of the many reasons why I refuse to go on. Why I say NO. Why we can never be together in that sense. As much as I like you and love spending time with you, I can never be too certain if every thing you profess or do for me is a genuine reflection of how you feel about me. Time and again, you've said you liked me. That I'm always on your mind and you're attracted to me. You say all these things and do all these things that give me enough reason to want to hope that they're real. Yet as soon as I do, I witness things that mildly disappoint me which lead to other things that accumulate over time and then frustration sets in. Yes, I don't know why I feel this way and I don't even hold any claim on you. It sucks and I feel the need to repel any act or gesture of affection from you and towards you. How do I best explain it without sounding destitute? I am neither emulous nor covetous but I do feel some form of begrudging to an extent that I sometimes resent myself for it. I can't even comprehend why I feel this way at all given the fact that I'm not into labels, let alone define whatever we have.

I really do not comprehend where all this is coming from and how strong the surge of emotions drowning me right now I can barely keep level. I need to be rational about this. I have got to be for my sake. I guess, the best thing is to do is to distance myself for now and see what happens. There have been waterworks in the past and the last thing I need is a repeat performance. I do hope you find the strength in you to quit smoking soon, with or without me. Enjoy.

To Open Up Or Not To Open Up, That Is The Question?

OMG. You talked about me? At a family gathering? Why? Do I really mean that much to you? Seriously, I could not believe nor even fathom in my wildest dreams that you'd talk about me to your estranged family, let alone even mention my name and [the country] where I'm from. This is a HUGE thing: you talking to them about these things, so excuse me if I express a level of shock and apprehension to a certain degree. It just seems like things are moving way too fast for me to even sink in. You tell me things like I influence you in a good way, and, actually calm you down a bit. You said you actually enjoyed hanging around family, for the first time and actually felt the whole "family-vibe" [the wanting to stick around them and hang out] thing. That's great! Then you say it's all on me? Like I was the catalyst that made you see things in a different light? I don't know how to react that. I may have helped at some point, but it was all you. All you, and that's good! I love the fact that you're slowly opening up to them and finally looking at things in a better perspective.

However, I don't know how to feel about that. I mean, I know I shouldn't make a fuss about it because they asked and like you said, you did mention that in passing. Then again, you don't usually talk about these things so that stresses me out a little. I don't think I'm prepared to go into a relationship yet given the circumstance we're in right now. Don't get me wrong though, I like you immensely. You amuse me and I enjoy spending time with you. But most times, I feel like I have to keep my guard up because I feel like a soap bubble around you. Extremely vulnerable and helpless whenever you're around. I don't know why I feel that way, I just do. It's frustrating on my part because I want to be completely honest with you but then my filter clicks into gear and well, thoughts get screened before I say them out loud. I feel the urgency of being cautious around you. I know it's unfair and a load of BS to you because you are neither Gef nor Carlo. Then again please understand the need to shelter myself against any one or thing that might potentially hurt me in the long run.

I guess the question I have to answer is whether to trust you or not; whether to let you in in my life. To be perfectly honest, I don't know how to address this thought because as earlier suggested, I have trust issues [mainly with men, i.e. my dad, Gef and Carlo] and this is something that only time can resolve. So the next query would be, and I'm not imposing this on you in any way, do you think that the attraction you have for me is strong enough to warrant an indefinite waiting period? Give it a thought or two, then get back to me. Otherwise, I would not want to be wasting your time. That sounds a little exigent but I do have to know.