Boyfriend-Girlfriend And The Exclusions

How weird is it that I find myself not so much into using labels to define the current relationship I have with A, and him wanting to take things a step further into exclusivity by using labels to delineate his territory? LOL. I don't know what's the matter with me and labels, I used to be so into them. Now, it feels like I've outgrown them or something. Or maybe, I'm just not in that stage yet where I feel the need and comfort to use such terms of endearment. I guess one could say that I've grown quite cynical to it given the string of unsuccessful relationships in the past. It's not so much about the exclusivity that unnerves me, rather the probability that this might end up badly and I've to regain a sense of self and rebuild my world. I want to avoid any complexity until I fully heal from the past hurt.

I hate to admit this, but I still think about and have dreams of Number 4. Like today, I woke up at 5:17 in the morning literally a few minutes prior to sunrise and the first thought that came to mind was him. Despite the current relationship status characterized by the easy-breezy nature I have with A, Number 4 seems to always pop in my head every so often. Nostalgia perhaps? I don't know. A has been such a sweetheart about it, he's been so gracious with the fact that it's okay for me to talk about it. He's amazing. I know you'll be reading this soon enough, now don't get cocky! 

I guess what I'm saying is, anxiety's getting the best of me. I'm at a point where I'm cowering and could not even muster to express how I truly feel. No, it's not compromising to an extent nor settling. I just feel like there's something vital missing in the relationship dynamic. Something which would elucidate things for me. Fuck. I can't even say it out loud. 

In Too Deep

Perturbed and I can't help feeling it's my fault. Last night, an altercation ensued between A and his dad because of my unwanted presence in the building. As ironic as it sounds, both of our dads are racially biased and could not tolerate our liking for one another. As Eric put it, a regular case of the Montagues and Capulets hating each other's guts. And the truth of the matter is, I don't actually know what to feel about it. What I can tell you though is that I feel really uncomfortable having to witness that last night and having A kicked out of the house because of his preference to hang out and date a non-Hindu girl. Don't get me wrong, I think it's kind of sweet the way he actually positioned things in regards to the way he feels towards me and his pop's racial biases, it's just a little too much. Again, as Eric has said infantile in the sense that it feels like getting way caught up into things over our head.

It is pretty noble, I must admit and the fact that we've only been going steady just under a month? It's kind of endearing. It makes me want to think that A's the real deal despite our inability to communicate which I must be accountable for. He adheres to a self inflicted dose of veracity where he'd rather hear the truth no matter how ugly, perverse or thwarted it may be, and that I love about him. He makes me want to believe that I am worthy enough to be taken care of, let alone get noticed. He makes me feel attractive and sexy, as he says I ought to be. Funny, isn't it? But for the first time, I actually feel my deflated self worth get back into shape; that somehow I've regained a sense of my own innate hotness. LOL. I am such a deluded moron.

A lot of events have taken place lately, mainly at work with the uneventual dismissal of our beloved TL Kamran with whom I've worked with from the good old RVG days to RRA. He was the best TL in the team and alwats rallied his troops through all the ups and downs in the campaign, and with him gone at Vox it just doesn't feel the same. I hate the way the upper echelon [which comprised by the way of blasted pompous arrogant pricks] handled the situation. An incident arose a day before that some leeches took advantage of and which poor Kam fell for. Four agents were suspended for miscoding calls and instead of appropriately punishing the concerned, the bloodsucking parasites fed on this opportunity to get ahead in terms of career advancement and gotten rid of Kam instead. It doesn't make any sense though, he wasn't even given due process. I feel for the fellow. And my TL sucks by the way, I hate him to the core because he is one helluva slave-driver. What an insensitive SOB, he held a pizza party literally the day after Kam was let go.

I know, I'm ranting here. Must also be because a lot of people have been leaving work. I mean, the longer I stay there, the crappier I feel about myself having to say that pretentious BS every single day just so huge corporations could milk people out of their hard-earned money. It sickens me. 

(To be continued...)