Going Steady And The Privileges It Entails

I'm happy. Well, not entirely but I'm glad to say that the recent status change has brought out a lot of the old me. I guess you haven't heard the news? We've managed to keep it hush-hush for some time now but I'm positive as soon as he walks in by Saturday, everyone's bound to notice the difference. So what's bothering me about it? Well for starters, the way A showers me with PDA [which I'm so opposed to, by the way] is a tad too much for my taste. PDA in reference to my culture meant some handholding and a few pecks [mouth or cheek, take your pick] involved but none of the groping and tongue-tugging kisses which seem to be the norm in western culture. Exclusively dating someone also entitles one a claim to certain privileges [sex, for example] that a naive virginal girl like me would find scandalously inappropriate, let alone give in to.

It's not that I don't like where we're going because I do like the fact that you're opening up to me after a year or so of total seclusion. The fact that you're sharing things with me, bits and pieces of your dark past mystifies me. Trusting me alone after getting to know me for just under 4 months is a huge step on your part. I understand that. It's just where we're heading to that scares me a little, knowing you're hoping to claim that privilege someday. Time and again you say you're not pressuring me. But as each day passes, the intensity and passion you put into those kisses grow exponentially. And I wouldn't want that. Sex isn't just sex for me. It actually means something because not only do you share yourself physically in the act, you're actually allowing yourself to be one with the other in a spiritual sense. Two becoming one, perfectly complementing the other in the act of complete submission. 

I guess what I'm saying is, the fact that you're looking forward to it scares me. It does. And as much as I like you, I could give NOT in to that. I'm not ready. Not at all. I'm not even going to use having been declined twice as an excuse. Sounds like a downer isn't it? Well, I suggest you take a step back and reconsider your options. You have plenty of time before we  get way in too deep.

The Trouble With Brutal Honesty And Coming Clean

Proof that truth is over-rated: sharing a piece of info about your past that might potentially destroy you to someone you thought could be trusted only to have him blow it up to your face in tirades. It's not betrayal neither deception since every one is entitled to their own opinion and one shouldn't begrudge them against that. It feels like having cold water thrown at you, except in this case it's freezing water bursting forth with intensity such as that coming from a fireman's truck?

Sophocles once said, "the truth is always the strongest argument." And he may very well be onto something there but during the course of my 22-year existence on Earth, I've come to realize that people subscribe to their own dose of veracity to such an extent that you can never get to really know a person, let alone figure them out completely. I thought I could read you. I guess I was wrong. I apologize.

I did not mean to offend you in anyway. I genuinely felt like you were a nonjudgmental kindred spirit in a sense, that I could trust you at a certain level so much that I could even tell you anything about me for you to be able to have a clear grasp of why I am who I am today. I want you to get to know me, the real ME behind the nice sweet girl facade every one's so used to seeing. I wanted to let you in in that circle of trust. And I'm sorry for taking things the wrong way as you put it. My feelings were hurt, how was I supposed to react? I know you meant well but then again, you didn't spare a minute to even fish for details as to why those series of unfortunate events did happen. You just went on and on about my sheer stupidity and lack of ability to discern which is conversation-material and which skeleton should be left in the closet so to speak. So excuse me if I'm hurt and very disappointed with the negativity you demonstrated when I was in a sense sharing a piece of me.

The flipside to this though is at least now I have a better idea whom to trust and whom not to. I'm not saying I can never trust or talk to you again about things like those but it's put things into a perspective where I do need to take accountability with the things I say to people and also gauge how they'd react. I apologize for the lack of hindsight there. It was wrong of me as well to even consider trusting you that much.

(To be continued...)